Personal Relationship – Do you know that these 4 thinking habits will ruin your Personal Relationship? How to deal with codependent in a relationship? How to deal with anxious avoidant relationship? How to deal with codependent friendship? What’s meaning codependent? When a narcissist in a relationship, what should they do?
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Personal Relationship: Avoid 4 Thinking Habits
Personal Relationship – Do you know that these 4 thinking habits will ruin your Personal Relationship?
- How to deal with codependent in a relationship?
- How to deal with anxious avoidant relationship?
- How to deal with codependent friendship?
- What’s meaning codependent?
- When a narcissist in a relationship, what should they do?
Personal Relationship –
These 4 thinking habits will ruin your interpersonal relationship.
“I really want to hide in a place where there is no need to socialize between people!” The girl who left a message told us that the biggest fear in her life is socialization. When speaking in public, she always faltered and never called. She was also afraid of meeting a colleague who was not familiar with her in the elevator. Just saying hello would have exhausted all her courage. “How can I live my life with such poor social skills?”
Most of the time, what we think of as “poor social skills” is not because we really don’t know how to socialize, but because we have fallen into the trap of social anxiety!
This view comes from the book we want to share with you today: “How to Overcome Social Anxiety“. The author of the book is Ellen Hendrickson, an anxiety therapist at Boston University.
The author said that no one is born with poor social skills. The so-called not good at social interaction is often due to acquired thinking habits that bring social anxiety and thus cannot exert their social skills. That is, some social thinking habits in our minds may secretly “destroy” our interpersonal relationships!
In this book, the author lists four common thinking habits that cause social anxiety for us and gives us corresponding methods and suggestions.
Habits of thinking 1:
“It’s all because of my poor social skills…”
Once we have had a few embarrassing experiences when talking with others, we tend to label ourselves like this in our hearts:
“I really can’t speak.”
“My social skills are very special, very poor!”
Over time, this label evolved into:
“This thing failed because of my poor social skills!”
“It’s because I can’t speak, I’ve always been single!”
“Simply stop talking or not talking in the future!”
In this way, things changed from one or two embarrassing incidents to the deep social anxiety in our hearts.
In the author’s opinion, this idea of “I have poor social skills, so the result is so bad” is precisely one of the common social anxiety.
The author hopes that we understand that many times when we mess up things, it is not the result of poor social skills; on the contrary, it is our anxiety that we think we are poor in social skills, which makes us nervous and empty minds, and then behave unsatisfactorily.
“The problem is not social skills at all. If something is holding back, it is anxiety that prevents you from using your skills normally.” So don’t let your social anxiety inhibit your social skills.
Habits of thinking 2:
“My feeling is just who I am, and people will judge me.”
What kind of mental or physical feelings do we have when we are in social anxiety?
Tension and fear inside;
The brain is blank;
Feeling hot cheeks, dry mouth…
Then we will think that these embarrassments are all manifested on our face, and will be seen by others, and even judged by others.
“I feel anxious, so I must look dull and stupid.”
“Others must have noticed, they will laugh at me in private!”
This is the second social anxiety trap considered by the author.
Everything that happens in our bodies and brains is private; whether you feel your heartbeat speeds up or your panic gets worse, it’s just your inner state, and you won’t be easily discovered by others.
In order to get rid of this habit of thinking, the author suggests that we:
“Let someone you trust record your conversation, speech, or doing anything that makes you anxious into a video so that you can see yourself in the eyes of others.”
Does the self in the video really look dull and stupid? No.
Does the self in the video really look anxious? Maybe it’s a little bit, but it doesn’t hurt.
Did other people in the video show ridicule or disdain? Nothing at all.
Habits of thinking 3:
“I must be perfect.”
In everyone’s mind, what kind of social performance is qualified?
“I want to be smart, relaxed, and confident.”
“There should be no gaps or silence in the conversation.”
“I should always be able to say funny things and be humorous.”
“To make everyone interested in the topic, everyone must like me.”
If your answer is like the above, then welcome to the pinnacle of perfectionism.
“Here we have found the fourth trap of social anxiety: I have to be perfect.” You must know that perfectionism means that I will never be good enough; when we find the gap between ourselves and our expectations, we will be more and more anxious, more and more panic. The author believes that the best way to overcome perfectionism is to “dare to accept mediocrity.” You might as well set your standards lower and mediocre.
“I only need to show half confidence or intelligence.”
“There can be some pauses and silences in the conversation.”
“I can say something humorous, but I don’t have to say it.”
The magic is that when we demand ourselves by imperfect standards, we can behave more naturally and our self-confidence can be improved.
Habits of thinking 4:
“Drinking can relax me.”
In life, many people will find another way to reduce anxiety and restraint: the wine for relieving worries.
We often think that wine is liquid courage, survival juice, and magical water:
“Drinking can make me talk endlessly!”
“Drinking allows me to talk to anyone!”
“A glass of wine, for a lifetime!”
In the eyes of the author, this is the last misunderstanding of social anxiety: I need alcohol to relax. Drinking for the sake of social interaction has many disadvantages, such as cultivating alcohol addiction, speaking irrationally, talking nonsense after drinking, and so on.
Why do you have to drink alcohol to increase courage? The author also advises us: “Go increase your courage, rather than attribute all the credit to alcohol.”
Take a deep breath, be confident, and release the social skills that you have not been able to use due to restraint; be brave and climb the mountain. This is much better than any magical water.
How to get rid of social anxiety and calmly face interpersonal relationships?
After identifying and getting rid of the above four social anxiety traps, the next thing we need to do is to make friends and enjoy the joy of socializing. However, making friends is not as simple as stepping forward to say hello.
(1) Common noodles
In the author’s opinion, the most important first point of making friends is to meet frequently.
Don’t hide alone in a corner because of shyness or anxiety; if you want to cultivate interpersonal relationships, you should meet and get in touch with people around you more often.
(2) Share thoughts and feelings with others
Around us, there must be some “half-old” friends who are friendly to each other, but they seem to be unable to get closer. At this time, the author advises us not to wait passively but to actively share our thoughts and feelings with others. Even simple inner information can deepen mutual understanding and create a sense of intimacy.
But also pay attention, sharing your heart with others should be a gradual mutual process; you have to wait until you have the most basic trust and goodwill before you open your heart. This can protect yourself, and not be too proactive and take the other side. Scared off.
(3) Dare to express liking for others
The author said that the third thing to cultivate friendship is to show others that you like him. However, this does not mean that we have to confess to each other straightforwardly; rather, we can express our hearts through some daily trivial matters. such as:
Every time I see each other, smile at each other;
Talk to each other more, even if it’s just unnecessary nonsense;
Invite each other to drink coffee or spend the weekend together…
These little things are enough to clearly show our sincerity and make the other person feel taken care of.
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— About The Writer —
I am Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on:
1. Relationship: dating/chatting/breaking up
2. Psychology: relationship/marriage psychology
3. Sex Science