Avoidant attachment | why do you try to please him, but he always evades? How to get an avoidant to chase you?
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We often have this kind of doubt:
The girlfriend is very active at the beginning, but then suddenly cools down, this is why?
The boyfriend treats the affection very coldly, does it mean that our love relationship will end?
Want to know the other party is not in love? Or another secret: avoidant attachment?
Everyone’s personality, there will be a part of avoidance. When you don’t like him so much, and face too heavy love or can’t solve the contradiction, will be used to avoid. In other words, it does not love.
This is not the case for avoidant attachment
They like you and need you in their hearts, but they are indifferent, resistant, perfunctory, and restless due to their avoidance of personality. They reject physical contact and language communication and feel that all sweet words are false.
They are not scum men or scum women. But really can’t self-control, lack of security, fear of losing you.
How to get an avoidant to chase you? Today, let’s talk about avoidant attachment from four aspects.
1) What are the characteristics of avoidant attachment?
2) How is this kind of person formed?
3) If your relationship object is an avoidant attachment, how should you get along with him?
4) If you are an avoidant attachment, how to adjust?
How to get an avoidant to chase you?
1. Avoidant attachment
Distrust, indifference, and high self-esteem are three typical characteristics of avoidant attachment.
Their independence is just a way to protect themselves from harm. They are eager for intimacy but afraid of separation.
The heart is often very contradictory, very eager to love, but get love, and do not want.
This is an avoidant attachment.
They will try their best to suppress their own needs and regard other people’s emotional needs as weaknesses.
The typical performance of avoidant attachment in an intimate relationship is as follows
1) Intimacy fear
Once you fall in love, you will be deeply addicted to your partner. But the difference is that once the object of their pursuit responds positively, they will feel rejected and uneasy.
They are very resistant to intimacy between partners, such as holding hands, hugging, sexual contact, etc.; they have a high demand for private space and do not want to be “invaded”; they are in a defensive state at any time in the relationship and are ready to leave at any time.
They often say:
“We don’t love each other that much. We don’t have to be serious.”
“I’m strong enough that I don’t need people in my life”
“I still have a lot of important things to do. How can I be delayed by emotional things?”
2) Pseudo independence
When they are single, they often suppress their need for intimacy; when they are in love, they always pretend to be indifferent to their partner; after quarreling or breaking up, they can always quickly divert their attention.
They often say:
“I’m not interested in falling in love”
“You’re so upset!”
“Whatever you want.”
Before you did not participate in his life, he independently completed the first half of his life self-personality building, so the independence is very strong. This independence makes him feel that his life will be good without you. That’s why after two people confirm their relationship, they treat you coldly and hotly.
3) High self-esteem
Due to his strong independence, he is very proud and self-abased. He always evaluates himself too positively but maintains a negative and cynical attitude towards others. Especially concerned about the negative evaluation of others (such as being despised, denied, abandoned), will try to “conquer” each other, to reflect their value.
How to get an avoidant to chase you?
2. How is this kind of character formed?
The causes of avoidance attachment.
1) Parents’ frustration education leads to low self-worth
The frustration education in childhood always tells children “no, no, no, no, no, no”. For example:
Father used to use words of ridicule, angry face, disappointed sigh, to force children to obey.
The mother’s irregular mood is out of control, and the desire to control is strong. If she does something that does not conform to his heart, it will rise to the children’s unfilial and ignorant.
Therefore, they are sensitive and feel inferior, and feel extremely poor. they can’t like themselves, let alone get along with others for a long time.
2) Childhood emotional neglect and gradual loss of self
When children are emotionally fragile, parents will always ignore their emotional needs, making children lose confidence in expressing their emotions, and even feel ashamed. Because every time you need your parents’ love and care, you don’t get any response.
3) Never experienced intimacy, not suitable for falling in love
Because the familiar environment from childhood is that of emotional alienation and emotional concentration, which will make them feel uneasy.
When they were young, they didn’t get intimacy from their parents, which led to the fear of unknown intimacy and the fear of establishing an intimate relationship with others.
They are unable to express their emotions in the love relationship and feel at a loss for their partner’s emotional expression.
4) In the process of growing up, he was rejected by his peers
In the process of growing up, he suffered a certain degree of emotional trauma.
For example, he was derailed in his first love, or suffered from long-term campus violence, and was over oppressed by teachers for a long time.
These injuries change their attachment and lead them to doubt their self-worth. From then on, they will habitually blame themselves.
5) Traditional ideas, introverted social culture
The traditional idea is that “expressing emotions” is a kind of “showing weakness” and “weakness”. As a result, they always restrain their emotional expression, are used to digesting their emotions alone, and can’t tolerate expressing their vulnerability in front of others.
They will despise themselves, even punish themselves, because they are aware of their vulnerability. At the same time, they will despise those who are “emotionally vulnerable” in their eyes.
How to get an avoidant to chase you?
3. How to deal with avoidant attachment?
As a partner of avoidant attachment, you must give him an absolute sense of security.
1) Building trust
How to get an avoidant to chase you? No matter what kind of avoidance behavior he makes, he should be calm and calm, not flattering, not disdaining, not doubting, not being careless, not concluding will. Let him feel that everything you do is inclusive of him, you can be relied on.
2) Active acceptance
How to get an avoidant to chase you? They are usually pessimistic about their relationship and worry that their relationship with you will suffer the same damage as their parents/past. At this time, you can understand his original family and growth experience, respect his feelings, accept his doubts, uneasiness, inferiority, vigilance, tension, anxiety, and other emotions. Don’t vent your emotions to him at will, don’t put pressure on him at will, and give him enough sense of security.
How to get an avoidant to chase you? To know their inferiority complex, they need recognition and appreciation. When he is very uncomfortable, he can judge his mood according to his actions, expressions, and words, understand and help him find the root of the problem, and gradually get rid of the trouble of avoiding anxiety.
For example, usually, praise him, tell him why you like him. For some dissatisfied points, we should also communicate with each other in an equal and euphemistic way, instead of denying them from the top down or asking them why. Otherwise, he will doubt that he is bad or think you don’t appreciate him or you don’t love him.
4) Listen patiently
How to get an avoidant to chase you? After building trust, unconditional acceptance, and empathy, you can find the right time to talk to each other. Ask him to say what he is dissatisfied with you or the relationship? Why always evade? What do you want me to do?
When he says something, you should listen patiently and don’t interrupt him at will. If these problems exist, if you are willing to change them, try your best to do so; if these problems do not come from you, help him to analyze them carefully until he accepts and agrees with your ideas.
5) Increase interaction
How to get an avoidant to chase you? In the process of getting along, we can establish more common interests. Let the intersection between you a little more, let him more into your life.
It’s hard for us to get into the heart of avoidant attachment, but don’t give up easily. You should know that their nature is so since you choose to be together, you can only try to bear these.
How to get an avoidant to chase you? When he wants to avoid you, give him proper care and let him know that you will always love him and care about him. All that remains to be done is to wait for him to get out of the shadow of his original family or experience. When he needs you, just stay with him.
Try to try, but also know the stop loss. If you find the process too painful, or it’s getting worse. So don’t fall too deep, please learn to let go.
How to get an avoidant to chase you?
4. Can avoidant attachment change?
Love is intelligent understanding, patient tolerance, and tenacious persistence.
If you find yourself an avoidant attachment, how can you change it? How do love each other? Our suggestions are as follows:
1) Calm analysis
When you are dissatisfied with the other party, don’t avoid it first. Don’t always blame the other party in your heart, but try to say it to the other party.
2) Transposition thinking
When the other party is dissatisfied with you, don’t avoid it, don’t worry about whether the other party will blame you. It’s about empathy, thinking about what you would think if you were him.
If you don’t think it’s a big problem, don’t worry about it. Don’t feel inferior and unworthy of each other. If there is a problem, try to retrieve the other party in a way that suits you. Remember to have conflicts, try not to spend the night, do not remember overnight revenge.
3) More company
Don’t just pursue achievements, positions, and money, but spend more time on each other. In the process of the company, we should not only keep ourselves smart, self-motivated, talented, and excellent, but also be able to see the kindness, integrity, generosity, gentleness, and fun of each other. You will find that everyone deserves to be treated well, loved, and tolerated, including yourself.
4) Face up to it
Be able to tell the other person what you think and what you need. Even if you refuse a date and want to refuse a further relationship, say it. It’s his business whether the other party accepts it or not. Don’t think about whether he will suffer. First of all, you are already suffering, and he will not feel better. And people must know what they really think, so they don’t have to spend all their time on you.
5) Manage with heart
Always remind yourself, you can be together is a kind of fate. Manage the relationship carefully, treat each other as a soul mate, and appreciate each other’s presence in your life.
How to get an avoidant to chase you? Finally, I would like to say to all avoidant readers:
The reason why you are “avoidant attachment” is not your choice. Many things are inherently unfair, and it’s not your fault.
The lovers who are really good to you in an intimate relationship are not your supporters. They don’t neglect, ignore, hurt or even ridicule you as your parents did in their childhood. They come to love you.
Now that you have grown up, you have the strength to develop a healthy and intimate relationship. Even if you are hurt, you can leave and recover.
After all, over the years, it’s all one person, isn’t it?
Even if you end up apart, you’ll be fine.
How to get an avoidant to chase you? Try to love, just let your life have more possibilities. Two people in the vast sea of people, unexpected encounters, occurred feelings, which itself is a miracle. Thanks to each other, come on! Your relationship will be a good story in the end.
You might also be interested in: How To Get An Avoidant To Chase You? Knowing Him And Shoot His Heart
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– About The Writer –
I am Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on:
1. Relationship: dating/chatting/breaking up
2. Psychology: relationship/marriage psychology
3. Sex Science