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Focus: Abusive Relationship Cycle

Do you know abusive relationship cycle?

A reader said she recently couldn’t stand her husband’s need for sex. She didn’t know how to resolve the matter.

Here is the response to her situation



He has rough sexual behavior.

Is it a sexual perversion?


Hello, thank you for trusting me and telling me your inner struggle.

Abusive relationship cycle: The topic of sex in a relationship is often avoided and not openly mentioned, but at the same time it is full of mystery and seduction.

As the emotions of both sexes develop, this topic will eventually be put in front of both of them.

So is a man who has rough sexual moves considered a sexual deviant?

Abusive relationship cycle: First, we can make a rough understanding of SM. Nowadays, the term SM is also appearing more and more in the mass media, and there is no longer the same sense of taboo as in the early days. Many fashionable young people are willing to try whether SM can bring them more sexual pleasure and sexual satisfaction.



Its full name is “Sadomasochism”, which comes from two historical figures. The first is the French marquis Sadd, who often sexually abused women. The second is the Austrian writer Masoch, who began writing at the age of 15, and whose women were all masochistic characters, and who wrote unabashedly about the pleasure he derived from sexual abuse and masochism in his works.

But when SM is associated with intimacy, it is no longer a mere act of physical harm. Such an act requires both parties to feel “pain and pleasure,” which means that the participants need to be willing.

Abusive relationship cycle: If one partner forces himself on the other, it is a relationship between the abuser and the victim. This is an act of sexual deviance and is also illegal.

Abusive relationship cycle: If you are willing and both parties agree to choose SM to enhance sex, you are “sadistic” if you inflict pain on another person to arouse sexual pleasure and make yourself feel excited; if you are interested in receiving pain and feel that it makes you feel excited, then you are “masochistic”.

Read more: Reciprocal Relationship: “Seesaw Principle”




Why you can’t refuse him


From your story, you don’t enjoy SM and it has caused you some degree of distress, even physical and mental trauma, but you can’t refuse your husband’s request, which can be explored more deeply.

Want to refuse, but you do not seem to have the ability to refuse, it is possible that this is related to your family of origin.

Abusive relationship cycle: In psychology, there is a term called “dependency”. Usually people who have the “dependency” trait care more about the other person than themselves, and this is often related to improper parenting practices in childhood.

Abusive relationship cycle: You didn’t want to accept SM, but you still obeyed your husband in the process, perhaps expecting to be appreciated by him for your obedience. At the same time, are you also vaguely expecting to gain your parents’ approval and appreciation for you through a perfect marriage?



Abusive relationship cycle: You can also use the following questions to determine whether there is a “dependent” trait in your marriage.

1. your good mood, from the other person’s approval.

2. I try to protect the marriage from the consequences of my actions.

3. I care more about the other person’s emotions and feelings than my own. 4.

4. I try hard to make the other person love me.

5. I often feel angry, unloved, and even used by others.

6. I am willing to make any effort as long as the other person stops ignoring me.



If I find that I do have a “dependency” trait.


What should I do?


1. Find the connection between your current dilemma and your family of origin.

Abusive relationship cycle: Our family of origin influences our cognition, emotions and behavior. Only when you discover the connection between your current cognition, emotions, and behaviors and your family of origin on a conscious level will you be able to transform.

In layman’s terms, once you have identified the problem and understand how it arose, you have the ability to solve it.

Abusive relationship cycle: For people with dependent traits, you can go back to your roots and see what caused you to develop that trait in your family of origin.

When you see it clearly, once you have the mental energy and willingness, you have the possibility to step out of the old cognitive framework.


2. Use hypnosis to strengthen the person you once were.

Abusive relationship cycle: You can find a hypnotherapist to make your childhood experiences present through professional techniques, so that you can see that the little girl you once were, now has more power and wisdom, and she will have more ways to deal with the scenarios that once had a negative impact on you as a young child.

In other words, through subconscious rewriting, repairing the inner loss and trauma and rebuilding a whole new inner world.

I hope this article can help someone who needs help.

I’m Jocelyn, and I hope you will all meet someone who loves you. If you have emotional problems, you can ask me for advice. If you are single, maybe you can meet him/her on Bothlive.

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