A sad and desperate woman standing in the shadow of a tree

How To Not Be Desperate? 6 Methods

How to not be desperate? These six methods will help you get out of dependence and desperation. 

The headache was splitting, and the last trace of strength was exhausted. You curl up like a baby. Tears flowed out and couldn’t stop. However, the pain did not abate. You open your eyes and look at the darkness. There is only you in the dark. There is only you in the world. No one can help you. You really, really can’t help yourself anymore. The clock is moving forward. But, you just want to stop: How To Not Be Desperate?


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How To Not Be Desperate? 6 Methods

How to not be desperate? These six methods will help you get out of dependence and desperation.

A story about “How to not be desperate”:

Two o’clock in the middle of the night. Everything is quiet, except you. Your body is lying on the bed, but your mind is roaring. why? Why is it so? What am I doing wrong and worthy of this treatment? Can’t even such a humble wish be realized? What I need is so little…

The headache was splitting, and the last trace of strength was exhausted. You curl up like a baby. Tears flowed out and couldn’t stop. However, the pain did not abate. You open your eyes and look at the darkness. There is only you in the dark. There is only you in the world. No one can help you. You really, really can’t help yourself anymore. The clock is moving forward. But, you just want to stop: How To Not Be Desperate?

You would definitely think this way:

  • How to not seem desperate?
  • How not to look desperate?
  • How to not be desperate in a relationship?

“How To Not Be Desperate?”

I know you.

I hope that at such a moment, someone said the following to me.

How To Not Be Desperate?
1. Dependence is normal

“How To Not Be Desperate?”

“The weak are dependent. I don’t want to rely on anyone.”

We usually tell ourselves this, especially those who have entered “independence”. “Independent” people wrap their injured hearts like a piece of hard ice and refuse any help. They choose not to expose themselves so that they will not be hurt again.

When the inner needs cannot be met, the “independent” people will fall into deep despair.

Is it shameful to have a need? That just means that you are still normal.

In a training class, the lecturer said something like this: “It’s your turn to speak. Your palms are sweating, your throat is tightening, and your heart is about to rush out, just pray that the person next to you will not hear you. Can I do it? Would you be wrong? What would others think of me? But—isn’t everyone the same? All of us, aren’t we the same?” She emphasized “all” and looked around at the students in the room.

People have different strengths, but the same weaknesses—fear, vulnerability, and doubt about their worth. We need to appreciate, affirm, and be seen. Some people even want to know “how to avoid looking desperate”.

The philosopher Seiichi Washita said that people cannot see themselves, and the self is just an “image” in the mind, which is pieced together by the various impressions and feedbacks obtained in the relationship. Therefore, this “image” is very unstable and faces the risk of being shattered at all times.

The relationship is a mirror that allows us to see ourselves. The more intimate the relationship, the more important and vulnerable this mirror is. We project ourselves onto a specific person, expect or even require that person to achieve our expectations. That person becomes an ideal, sustenance, and makes us “complete”.

When learning to paint, the teacher told a story. A well-known painter married a young woman. The painter passed away in his later years, leaving behind countless paintings for his wife, which are invaluable. But this woman died on a hunger strike.

We all find it incredible. But this did happen. When the objects she relied on disappeared, all the sense of value and meaning of her life also disappeared.

If you feel desperate, “how to not be desperate for love?”

You need to know that you are not wrong. You just need a little love-like everyone else.

How To Not Be Desperate?
2. Love does not come from the person you need

Where will this love come from? One thing is certain: it will not come from the person you need.

The psychologist Dr. Chuck made a subtle analogy: every “swamp” will encounter his “stone”.

① “Swamp” is a metaphor for people with a strong sense of psychological dependence. 

They feel that they have not received enough love and attention in the process of growing up, so they hope to get double compensation in an intimate relationship. However, it is this expectation that prevents them from truly “receiving”. No amount of love is enough for them.

② “Stones” have been greatly deprived psychologically and emotionally since they were young. 

They don’t believe in intimacy and think it’s just to squeeze more from them. When the “swamp” wants to take it, they will close themselves up, or even disappear completely. The more the “swamp” is needed, the more the “stone” must escape. Although the “stone” is hard on the outside, it is also a swamp in the heart. They just put a hard shell on themselves after being rejected again and again.

“How To Not Be Desperate?” When you become a swamp, forget your stones. If he disappears when you “need it most”, it just proves that he, like you, is just a weak and poor person.

How To Not Be Desperate?
3. Dependence is not love

A mother clashed with her child because of excessive interference in her child’s life. Afterwards, she said to the child: “Mom does this because she loves you. I don’t care what others do!”

Dr. Chuck calls this relationship “fusion”. In the state of fusion, we break away from our boundaries and enter the orbit of each other. Any behavior of the other party may cause an earthquake in our world, because we have lost our center of gravity.

I once talked to a friend about the big earthquake in Hawaii. His son was a director and was filming in Hawaii at the time. He was very worried. I said, then you send a text message and ask him how. He bowed his head for a moment and said, “But I’m not sure if he wants to know I’m worried.”

My heart was shocked. How many times have we dumped our fears and anxiety to each other indigestible in the name of love? And true love is to leave the anxiety to yourself.

Love is first to have the ability to be at ease in one’s world. Instead of dumping all the weight on the world of the loved one.

How To Not Be Desperate?
4. Where does the warmth come from?

The one you love cannot save you, and will even run away when you need it most.

People you don’t love can’t save you, because this is not what you want.

This seems to be a deadlock.

How To Not Be Desperate?
5. Get out of despair and dependence

How To Not Be Desperate?

It’s very simple. The following six methods will help you get out of despair and dependence.

How To Not Be Desperate?
(1) Emotions come from ideas

Psychology believes that emotions are caused by thoughts and the body’s response to thoughts. If you leave your brain in a blank state while trying to feel strong anger, fear, or happiness, it will be difficult to do so. Any negative emotion is hidden behind a certain negative thought that gave birth to it.

So why, we tend to pay more attention to emotions rather than ideas?

The emotion is so strong that it can completely submerge us like a tide; but the thoughts are fleeting, like a sly fox, it is difficult to catch the tail. Many times, before an idea has time to surface, it is overwhelmed by the next more powerful idea, or the emotion that it evoked. It was this idea at the beginning that led to the chain reaction.

There is a misunderstanding of thinking called “emotional logic”. That is, you say to yourself:

  • “I feel so bad, it proves that I must be bad.”
  • “I am so painful, then this pain must be real.”
  • “I’m so angry, so he must be too much.”

Emotional logic regards the feeling as the first reality, and uses it as the basis to infer the objective reality.

How To Not Be Desperate?
(2) Separate facts from your thoughts

“How To Not Be Desperate?” The most helpful thing at this time is to separate the facts from your own “interpretation.”

For example, a person is unemployed. The fact is simple, that is, he is unemployed and temporarily out of work. However, he might think:

Oh my! I’m out of food, now I’m going to starve to death. What about my family and children? How to repay the mortgage? How children go to school will be affected for the rest of their lives. Others are not unemployed, but I am unemployed, which proves that my ability must be very poor. I am a worthless person. But I am not! I work so hard! My boss has lost his conscience, and I didn’t rely on myself to survive the hard days of the year!

With these thoughts, he will feel fear, pain, self-blame, shame, anger, and despair.

What if you simply face the facts? It will still be difficult. However, the most difficult thing may not be the objective reality, but the torment of those negative emotions.

How To Not Be Desperate?
(3) Is your idea tenable?

“How To Not Be Desperate?” When you separate facts from ideas, you will soon discover that some ideas are untenable.

  • For example, this person should not starve to death. He is very likely to find a new job. Or because of this change, an unexpected turn in life has taken place.
  • His family may be affected to a certain extent, but it may also become stronger and more independent as a result.
  • His ability is not necessarily bad. This layoff is an objective reason.
  • His boss feels guilty, but there is no other way.

These ideas may be closer to reality. Correspondingly, those painful emotions will be greatly reduced.

How To Not Be Desperate?
(4) You are greater than your thoughts and emotions

In many cases, it is very difficult to think objectively in the face of challenges. There are two ways at this time:

“How To Not Be Desperate?”
① Write down your thoughts

Analyze whether it is true one by one. Writing it down is an extremely effective way to capture negative emotions.

“How To Not Be Desperate?”
② Understand that you are greater than your thoughts and emotions

In addition to thinking, there is also an “observer” in our body. This observer is always there, but it is not always “activated”. Usually, we will be led by the nose by successive thoughts, completely immersed in it, thinking that this is ourselves and the world. In fact, besides thinking, there is another “I”. This “me” cannot be shaken by anything outside, it is calm and eternal. This is the “observer” in our body.

How To Not Be Desperate?
(5) Speak for yourself

Dependence can occur in the form of requests and complaints, as well as attacks, indifference, and competition. Regardless of the performance, the deepest reason is often that the dependent believes that they are weak. A truly powerful person will focus on the purpose of his life instead of verifying his value by controlling others. To get out of dependence (especially, the pain caused by dependence), you might as well remind yourself: I am strong.

“How To Not Be Desperate?”

  • You are feeling your pain. This is a power in itself.
  • You have gone so far and overcome countless fears and difficulties.
  • That matter is always worthy of you being proud of yourself.
  • Most of the time, you are happy.
  • You are a smart and lovely person.
  • You are financially and intellectually independent.
  • You did not give up.
  • You are reading this article.

How To Not Be Desperate?
(6) Seeing someone who loves you

However, I have to admit that sometimes, these may be useless. All you need is a hug. Then, see those who love you. Your lover, family, friends, even people you have never met. Anyone can give you strength.

How To Not Be Desperate?

  • Stop worrying about those who can’t give you.
  • Open yourself and see yourself.
  • The world has opened its arms and is ready to take you to fly.


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— About The Writer —

I am Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on:

1. Relationship: dating/chatting/breaking up

2. Psychology: relationship/marriage psychology

3. Sex Science

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