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Polyamory: If You Love Two People At The Same Time, Is This Possible?

If you love two people at the same time, which person you will choose?

Some people said if you love two people at the same time choose the second one; Some people said if you love two person at the same time choose the first one.

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Polyamory: If You Love Two People At The Same Time, Is This Possible?

If you love two people at the same time, which person you will choose?

Some people said if you love two people at the same time choose the second one; Some people said if you love two person at the same time choose the first one.

If you love two people at the same time
“Multiple partners: you can love two people at the same time”

I recently saw an anthropological research report with the title: Can you love more than one person at the same time?

If you love 2 person at the same time, you will be confused.

Anthropologists William and Gerth found that in the field of film or literature, there are many stories about loving two people at the same time; the emotional relationship in real life is more complicated, and people are becoming less and less willing to get married.

If you love two people at the same time
1. People have the ability to truly love multiple people deeply at the same time

In order to explore the possibility of “concurrent love,” the researchers hypothesized that people can switch their love back and forth between different lovers in a hierarchical manner, and everyone can deeply describe their love experience.

So they started research in a university in Las Vegas:

“In the first stage, they found 37 participants who said that they had loved more than one person at the same time, and then sent questionnaires to ask them how they met their lovers, the personality of each lover, how to love at the same time, whether there was any anxiety, Dissatisfied with this experience; in the second stage, the remaining 27 people conducted in-depth face-to-face interviews. Everyone will be asked about the definition of love, the experience of interacting with a loved one, and how to balance this relationship.”

The researchers found this commonality in all interview stories:

There are two types of love, one tends to comfort and company, the other is passionate and passionate.

In their eyes, the coexisting love is a spiritually ideal and complete love.

They will behave differently when interacting with different lovers.

 

The researchers, therefore, concluded that: a person has the ability to truly love multiple people deeply at the same time.

This possibility of “plural love” reminds me that in “Norwegian Forest”, Watanabe-Kun loves Naoko and Midoriko at the same time. Haruki Murakami wrote: “Drifting on a beautiful lake in the sunny weather, we will find the blue sky charming and the lake water more delicate.”

Fromm mentioned in “Possession or Survival”: “The love experienced by the way of living that emphasizes possession is the restriction, restraint, and control of the object of ‘love’.” He believes that love should be a kind of Positive power is a creative activity.

Professor Nathaniel Brandon pointed out in “Romantic Psychology”: “The core of romantic love is Psychological Visibility.”

Love not only allows you to see yourself in others (“he/she is like me”), but also allows you to perceive yourself from seeing others’ eyes (“he/she understands me, so I am like this”). In this way, love is not aimed at a specific object, but at an attitude and a tendency of character traits for all people.

If you love two people at the same time
2. Polyamory / Polyamorous

The stable relationship form of loving several people at the same time already exists in real life——

Multi-partnership system (polyamory / polyamorous)

The proud flag of Polyamory. Designed by Jim Evans in 2014, blue represents openness and honesty, red represents love and passion, black stands for unity, and the golden Greek lowercase letter symbol “pi” in the middle represents the first letter of polyamory.

Polyamory is half the Greek root poly “more” and half the Latin root more “love”. Also known as multi-angular love, multi-angular love, multi-angular loyalty, multi-partnership.

It refers to a relationship in which the number of people in the relationship is greater than that of “two-to-one” and the participants are all “informed consent” love, communication, and partner relationships.

 

The multi-partnership system mentioned in this article cannot be confused with certain marriages that do not include gender equality and informed consent.

For example, in certain religious cultures (Islam) and regions (Africa, Middle East), polygamy is still legal; and the rare form of polygamy is still prevailing in Tibet, China, and southern India. Despite the controversy, the multi-partnership system conforms to human nature, and this view has been recognized in many academic fields.

Zoologist, psychologist Barash, and psychiatrist Judith Lipton, and others found that most of the nearly 5,000 mammals tend to be polygamous, and this tendency does not reflect the difference between males and females. Only 3-5% of animals have only one mate in their lifetimes, such as wolves, foxes, and otters, including humans. Even so, when the spouse of these animals suddenly dies or loses sexual capacity, they will quickly find a new partner.

If you love two people at the same time
3. Consensual

Multi-partnership is actually a type of “consensual/ethical non-monogamy, CNM/ENM” (consensual/ethical non-monogamy, CNM/ENM).

Statistics in 2014 showed that there were 1.2 million to 9.8 million multiple partners in the United States. So, what kind of son does the multi-partnership system have?

According to Franklin Veaux, the famous multi-partner writer, multi-partners are the game-changer.

As long as everyone agrees! There are so many forms that are beyond your imagination.

According to the research of Wolfe (2003), the most common form of multi-partnership is that a pair of stable relationship partners is the core, gradually accepting others, forming a three-person (Triad) or four-person relationship (Quad).

 

A new multi-partnership study shows that although multi-partnership relationships are mostly hierarchical, for example, primary relationships share more lifetimes than partners in secondary relationships; but some are not hierarchical. (Non-Hierarchical), that is to say, every pair of partnerships are equal.

If you love two people at the same time
4. Misunderstanding of the “multi-partnership system”

There are many stigmas about the multi-partnership system. Next, let us further understand the multi-partnership system through two misunderstandings.

 

If you love two people at the same time
(1) Misunderstanding: Multi-partnership is not as good as monogamous.

The one-to-one relationship monogamy (monogamy), in a narrow sense, is the monogamy we are familiar with. Although this is the current marriage system, cases of derailment, divorce, and remarriage are increasing significantly.

 

At present, we still cannot answer which system is better, so we also want to break this misunderstanding; we just want everyone to see the existence of the multi-partnership system and try to understand the possibility of multiple people living together for love.

 

Conley et al. (2017) studied 1,507 people in one-to-one relationships and 617 people in non-one-to-one relationships and measured participants’ overall satisfaction, commitment, passion, trust, and jealousy of the relationship. Case. The results showed that there was no significant difference in the scores on the satisfaction, commitment, and passion scales between people in the two relationships; but in terms of the trust, non-one-to-one partners were significantly higher than one-to-one partners.

This is because the multi-partnership system can only be maintained based on trust after informed consent.

Of course, this does not mean that the multi-partnership system is ideal. Compared with the one-on-one relationship, people who practice the multi-partnership system need to make more efforts in the face of jealousy, communication, time management, and other issues.

 
If you love two people at the same time
(2) Misunderstanding: Multi-partnership is synonymous with infidelity and fornication.

It’s 2021. Please ask yourself, do you only have sexual desire for one person?

The philosopher Brake believes that multi-partnership is more in line with human nature in terms of sexual desire. The latest scientific research has also confirmed that the multi-partnership system provides individuals with a unique opportunity to enjoy the more lasting passion and intimacy.

 

Loyalty and commitment are never exclusive. Transparency is what separates multiple partnerships from infidelity. People in a multi-partnership do not accept lies, so as long as they have informed consent and honestly keep their promises, it is possible for everyone to have multiple sexual partners and multiple intimate relationships at the same time.

At this time, some people may say that the multi-partnership sex life is so rich and colorful, the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases is definitely greater, right?

First of all, multi-partnership does not mean that you must have sex with everyone in the relationship; second, scientific research evidence asks you to shut up:

Compared with people with multiple partners, those who are sexually unfaithful in their relationship take fewer protective measures and do not discuss safe sex with their spouse. People with multiple partners are more inclined to participate in sexually transmitted diseases. For screening and testing, the infection rate is much lower.

If you love two people at the same time
5. Humanity and intimacy

Knowing so much about the multi-partnership system, some people must be eager to try it. Wait a minute, let us turn the focus of the discussion from loving a few people back to human nature and intimacy itself —

Some people love multiple people humanly

There are also people who love someone alienatedly

 

Human love is the most fundamental and true need that comes from the depths of a person’s heart. People need the uniqueness and authenticity of intimacy, which will not change because of the number of objects of love. A study in 19 years showed that the types of attachment between multiple partners are also independent and special.

Fromm pointed out in “The Art of Love”: human and mature love has four positive attitudes: care, responsibility, respect, and understanding.

For example, if you are sick, the person who truly loves you will not only want to know your condition, but will not dislike you because of your illness, but will also take your wish to make you heal as their responsibility and take action.

Alienated intimacy is an inhumane instrumental communication behavior like commodity exchange. This kind of relationship is called “pseudo-communication” by the German philosopher Habermas.

 

In the alienated relationship, people lose love and become passive and passive pastimes. And this person’s relationship object will only be used as a part that maximizes their interests and is easy to replace. If it doesn’t work, change, but each change of relationship is repetitive and indistinguishable and is essentially rigid.

 

In alienated communication, language is reduced to a self-talking monologue or a means of interest exchange. The most intuitive feeling is that two people are not talking to each other while chatting, and one party only cares about what he wants to say without listening to the other party.

 

The most desperate thing is that a person with an alienated relationship may seem to be trying hard to find someone to bond closely, but he is still extremely empty and full of a strong sense of insecurity. Because they are also not aware of the most fundamental desires of their human nature.

 

If you love two people at the same time
Summary

The reason why we introduce the multi-partnership system today and compare the intimacy between humanity and alienation is not to promote any specific lifestyle, nor do we intend to establish any norms and taboos for you. But to let you see that real and human needs are complicated. “Love” must first be a relationship constructed by people. Only then can intimate relationships be an opportunity to help us love and grow better.

Having said that, even if we believe and want to love, the practice of love is easier said than done. Psychologist Mary Hotvedt believes that if people can really love more than one person at the same time, this situation is rarely planned by people actively, and people often have inner conflicts because of this.

Although the document mentioned at the beginning tells us that people can love more than one person at the same time, all the interviewees encountered recurring emotional and moral dilemmas. They feel pain and have difficulty making choices, so their relationship becomes fragile, unstable, and ultimately difficult to last. Therefore, the researcher also came to another conclusion:

Coexisting love will fall into the dilemma of passion and companionship over time. Maintaining such a relationship requires great effort, otherwise, it will be difficult to last.

To be sure, no matter what the relationship is, “informed consent” is the top priority in a healthy relationship. It means building an honest and trusting relationship foundation with the promise of consensus. When everyone wants to reach a consensus on a promise, it reflects everyone’s personal wishes after taking the initiative to think about it. The promise is not static. Due to the development and changes of the relationship, continuous open communication is needed to adjust.

If you love two people at the same time:
Believe in the possibility of love
Understand the importance of informed consent
Is a kind of insight into the true nature of people
Rational belief

“If you love two people at the same time” References:

Balzarini, R., Campbell, L., Kohut, T., Holmes, B., Lehmiller, J., Harman, J., & Atkins, N

. (2017). Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory. PLOS ONE, 12(5).

Balzarini, R. N., Dharma, C., Muise, A., & Kohut, T. (2019). Eroticism versus nurturance: How eroticism and nurturance differs in polyamorous and monogamous relationships. Social Psychology, 50(3), 185–200.

Barash, D. P., & Lipton, J. E. (2002). The myth of monogamy: Fidelity and infidelity in animals and people. Macmillan.

Brake, E. (2017). Is ‘Loving More’Better?: The Values of Polyamory. The Philosophy of Sex: Contemporary Readings, 201-220.

Branden, N. (2018). The Psychology of Romantic Love: Romantic Love in an Anti-Romantic Age. Tarcher Perigee.

Conley,TD, Matsick, JL, Moors, AC, & Ziegler, A. (2017). Investigation of consensually non-monogamous relationships: Theories, methods, and new directions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(2), 205-232 .

Conley, T., Moors, A., Ziegler, A., & Karathanasis, C. (2012). Unfaithful Individuals are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 9(6), 1559 -1565.

Jankowiak, W., & Gerth, H. (2012). Can You Love More Than One Person at the Same Time? A Research Report. Anthropologica, 54(1), 95-105.

Moors, A., Ryan, W., & Chopik, W. (2019). Multiple loves: The effects of attachment with multiple concurrent romantic partners on relational functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 102-110.

Veaux, F. (2015). The game changer (1st ed.). Thorntree Press.

Wolfe, L. (2003). Jealousy and transformation in polyamorous relationships. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco, CA.

Erich Fromm. (2014). Possession or existence. World Book Publishing Company

Erich Fromm. (2008). The Art of Love. Shanghai Translation Publishing House

Haruki Murakami. (2007). Norwegian Forest. Shanghai Translation Publishing House

Jurgen Habermas. (2004). Theory of Communicative Behavior. Shanghai People’s Publishing House

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