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Is Give Love Away Because Of Not Enough Love?

“Break up, there is no me in your future”: Did you give love away because you didn’t love enough?

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Is Give Love Away Because Of Not Enough Love?

“Break up, there is no me in your future”: Did you give love away because you didn’t love enough?

Give Love Away
When we are talking about love, what are we talking about?

Intimacy includes one of the most basic forms of interpersonal relationship: dependence.

In a healthy and intimate relationship, the dependent needs of both partners are met. But in fact, behind the dependence is the individual’s desire for security in intimacy. If intimacy is a building built by two people, then a sense of security is the cornerstone of the building. So we are essentially discussing whether the sense of security you seek comes from love.

Choosing love to abandon the choice of self-development seems to be the reason for relying on your partner. The reason is to rely on the security needs provided by the other party.

Dependence on love is like the desire of a three-year-old baby to embrace his mother. This comes from the mother’s sense of security. We ask our partner in an intimate relationship. And what we pursue in love is this sense of security from others.

Give Love Away
When we are talking about self-development, what am I talking about?

At the end of the 19th century, William James introduced the concept of self into psychology. Since then, the most important issue in self-psychology has emerged: self-development.

The well-known psychologists Adler and Rogers both believe that everyone has the motivation to transcend inferiority to pursue superiority, which is the basic motivation of human behavior.

Another psychologist, Srauger, believes that there are two forms of self-development.

One form is simple, similar to the supplementary learning we usually do for work.

The other is compensatory. People with a negative self-view are exposed to more negative evaluations, so they need the affirmation of others. The improvement of self-worth is just to compensate for their shortcomings.

Compensatory self-development is like a baby who has never eaten sugar before eating sugar. Its internal logic is a lack of self-security, so it improves self-security in this way.

Self-security is the psychological cornerstone of maintaining the stability of the self-universe. Whether the universe is destroyed or not, the threat usually does not come from the outside world, but the expansion or contraction of internal material capabilities.

This stable and unchanging sense of self-security is what we pursue in self-improvement.

It can be seen from this that when we are talking about love and self-development, the issues we consider are related to the source of the need for security.

Intimacy is an important influencing factor of self-development, and also an important affected factor.

For a person who chooses to develop himself, he may be more dependent on the security provided by his career than the security provided by love. This psychological motivation is the reason why he is determined to abandon love. Therefore, those who can have both a career and love are the real winners in life.

Give Love Away
The way to deal with the conflict between the two determines love or not

According to Rahim’s research, there are generally five types of treatment when encountering conflicts in intimate relationships:

Give Love Away
1. Dominant

In this type of intimacy, the typical feature of dealing with conflict is competition. This kind of competition includes an individual tendency to win and lose. That is, when facing conflicts between self-development and intimacy, individuals make decisions and deal with them according to the results they want.

Give Love Away
2. Integrated

This type of intimacy is good at problem-solving-oriented when dealing with conflicts. Solicit the opinions of both parties and adopt a handling method acceptable to both parties in the end. This kind of conflict resolution method is most conducive to the development of intimacy, and it can also break out of the logical vicious circle of “do you not love me”.

Give Love Away
3. Avoidance

When dealing with conflicts, this type of intimacy is manifested in avoiding problems, refusing to communicate and resolve them, and responding to conflicts with cold violence and silence. When two parties encounter a conflict, if the other party adopts an avoidance approach, the problem will not be resolved to a large extent and will worsen.

Give Love Away
4. Submissive

The typical feature of the obedient type is to accept all the opinions and handling methods put forward by the other party, sacrifice one’s interests to satisfy the other party’s requirements or obey the other party’s decision. Generally speaking, in this type of conflict resolution, one of the two parties in an intimate relationship is very dependent on the other. But it is also very likely to lead to unequal intimacy.

Give Love Away
5. Compromise

Compared with compliance, the compromising type refers to a temporary compromise method when the problem is still not resolved after clearly expressing one’s own opinions and demands. The handling process includes giving and requesting or adopting a solution acceptable to both parties. But unlike integration, the individual did not satisfy all his demands but made certain concessions.

Among the above five ways of handling, the most common way for realistic intimate relationships to deal with self-improvement and love conflicts is dominance and compromise.

These two types are conducive to the resolution of contradictions to a certain extent, but unfortunately, it is either personal development or love itself that is sacrificed by this. The best way is to adopt an integrated approach to deal with the conflicts between self-development and love.

In reality, the popular solution for this type of approach is long-distance love.

The question is: Do you who are in a long-distance relationship trust love?

Give Love Away


[1] Liu Shuyu. A preliminary study on self-improvement [J]. Journal of Hubei Second Normal University, 2008, 25(12): 72-73.

[2]Su Yanjie, Gao Peng. Daily conflicts in intimate relationships and their solutions[J]. Applied Psychology, 2004(02): 37-42.

[3] Liu Chuan E. The tilt of the balance and the overturn of the value: A discussion on the conflict model of love and career in Chinese literature [J]. Literary Controversy, 1990(04): 60-63.

[4]Chen Peilin. On the Motivation and Initiative in the Development of “Self”——Also on the “Self Realization” View of Humanistic Psychology[J]. Journal of Central China Normal University (Philosophy and Social Sciences Edition), 1988(03):108-116.

[5]Rahim A Referent role and styles of handling interpersonal conflict.Journal of Social Psychology,1983,126(1):79`86

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— About The Writer —

I am Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on:

1. Relationship: dating/chatting/breaking up

2. Psychology: relationship/marriage psychology

3. Sex Science

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