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I Need You Because I Love You, But I Can’t Say

I Need You Because I Love You – Always angry with someone close, maybe because I can’t say “I need you”. All the things because I love you and I need you.

I am angry with you because I want to take something from you to be satisfied! I need you because I love you.


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I Need You Because I Love You, But I Can’t Say

We may have read some about “I need you because I love you quote”, however, just a few people know “I need you because I love you but I love you not because I need you”.

Intimacy – Always angry with someone close, maybe because I can’t say “I need you“. All the things because I love you and I need you.

I am angry with you because I want to take something from you to be satisfied! I need you because I love you.

Being angry with close people, unreasonable torture, and harshness, I think many people have had experience.

When you are at the moment of anger, you are willing to stop and listen to anger. Anger is actually a strong need. I am angry with you because I want to take something from you, to take something from you, in order to be satisfied. How angry I am, in fact, I need you more. Need you by my side, need you with me, care about me, care about me. I made these fires at you, just to blame you for not doing it.

But the results of expressing anger and complaining are often counterproductive. Being angry is like being castrated. It will make people feel particularly powerless. You feel that everything is wrong, and you don’t want to do anything anymore. Even if you want to do it, you will feel powerless. Being complained can make people feel particularly overwhelmed. When people are complained, they will feel that how much they have done is 0, and the ones being stared at are always the parts that have not been done. Even if they do 30 or 60 points, as long as they do not reach the other party’s 100, they are defined as 0. Then came the feeling that everything was done in vain, like being swallowed up.

I need you because I love you
1

Humans are a strange species. Since such a need to be loved and seen safely, why can’t you directly express “I need you to care about me and love me”, but instead use a negative and push-away way to express it?

I need you because I love you. I need you very much. This is a fact, but it is difficult to tell. The word “need” gives people the most primitive impression that only the weak need others. Once the need is admitted, it means that I am lower than you. Isn’t it dangerous if I am lower than you? I can’t stand my self-esteem.

Some people think that if I express my needs and you meet me, then you don’t really want to satisfy me. You just did it out of a certain obligation or impatience, and what you ask for is meaningless. It feels like a kind of charity as if I am begging for your love, even if I get love, I have no sense of dignity. The essence is insecurities: if I cannot be higher than you on a psychological level, I am in danger.

I need you, which means you may not satisfy me. When I need you but am not satisfied, then my self-esteem will be frustrated, and I am afraid that you will refuse. So I can’t ask for it directly, I can only let you know that you are wrong and correct it in an angry way, so as to satisfy me. Or tell yourself by pretending that you don’t need it: I don’t care.

One step further, I need you, then you are in charge of me. From the point of view of evolutionary psychology: You are in control of my survival data and the right to my life. This is a very scary thing. You control me. What if you abandon me? What if you hurt me? Isn’t this challenging my original sense of security?

This is a deep sense of fear, and the way we are accustomed to facing this sense of fear is to evolve and become anger.

Anger is a kind of protection, and it makes people feel stronger. They are hiding “I need you because I love you”. People who can be angry are all trying to use emotions to oppress each other. Therefore, from the perspective of feeling, anger is to lift oneself to a higher position than the other party to protect yourself. Anger is a way to defend against fear, through the reverse form.

If we see the anger of ourselves or others, we must also see the fear at the same time. When you peel off this coat of anger, the fear of being abandoned and hurt will appear.

Some people can’t even evolve anger, and they leap directly into despair. Develop rationalized beliefs to further comfort yourself: I don’t need it, and I can live well without them. No one must satisfy you, you can only become stronger, and everything can only depend on yourself.

I need you because I love you
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People are afraid because they don’t believe that they are worthy of being satisfied. We never feel fear of what will happen. For example, when I have a demand for an ATM, the card will inevitably pay for it. We never fear what to do if we don’t pay. (The premise is of course that you have money on the card and you remember the password). But psychological needs are not. We don’t believe in our hearts that it can really be met. Because we have too many unsatisfied experiences, whenever I have a need, he often does not satisfy me.

No one can fully satisfy, understand, care for, and value another person, and there will always be times when they cannot be taken care of. Being taken care of the inner feelings is a process of intermittent strengthening, and intermittent strengthening can best strengthen people’s core beliefs.

Intermittent reinforcement is sometimes satisfying and sometimes not satisfying. For example, gambling, sometimes you can win, sometimes you can’t. It is this occasional reinforcement that makes people want to stop and want to win every time. If the probability is really 0 from then on, people will really give up. The same goes for being satisfied. Sometimes the person you care about can satisfy you, sometimes not. It makes you feel that “he can satisfy me”, and then makes you want to be satisfied every time. The same as gambling is that every time you are strengthened, you are a little happy, and every time you are not strengthened, you will activate various defense mechanisms: anger, complaining, and pretending that you don’t need it. And verified this truth again:

No one really cares about you completely, and no one can fully satisfy you. They will ignore you after all.

This is a deep sense of unworthiness. Although I’m asking for it, I don’t believe that I deserve to be satisfied. If you look inside, you will find that behind the anger and complaint, there is a sense of total despair and loneliness. A kind of unspeakable depression and sadness, nowhere to be placed, can not flow, can not be said.

People’s pain in intimacy is actually: I don’t believe you can satisfy me from the bottom of my heart, but I still want to ask you. The result is that you really can’t satisfy me, and then I get very angry.

This is a typical projective identification. You project out the parts of yourself that are not worthy of being satisfied. Whenever he satisfies you, you are happy or automatically ignored. Whenever he does not satisfy you, you verify yourself: look, I am not worthy of being satisfied. You will completely ignore the time when he has satisfied you, just stare at the part that he didn’t satisfy you, and successfully make yourself sad.

Projection is that you can only see the part of yourself. People inherently have a kind of anger and despair at their own incompetence, and anger at not being able to satisfy themselves. In order to cope with this sadness, it is projected in the form of anger to be satisfied by others.

We need others. “I need you cause I love you.”

I need you because I love you
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It’s not just intimacy. We repeat this pattern for those close to us.

As far as I understand, there are 4 levels of my inner self-perception:

I need you because I love you
(1) Anger

Anger really makes people look powerful. Intellectually we know that anger is not a powerful expression. But in terms of feeling, when we are angry, we avoid ourselves from appearing lower than others, and we use this to complete the psychologically powerful process.

I need you because I love you
(2) Pretend not to be needed

When I can’t get it, at least I can tell myself that I don’t need it. It is the sour grape effect. I don’t like to eat grapes if I can’t eat grapes. In this way, I can take back the initiative and prevent myself from appearing lower than others, so as to realize that my heart is actually very strong.

I need you because I love you
(3) Practice until no need

Many psychologists, spiritualists, and chicken soup experts are telling people: You can love yourself first, and you can completely satisfy yourself. So more lonely individuals began to be practiced: I just need to satisfy myself, I don’t need you. In theory, this is possible, but the price seems a bit high.

I need you because I love you
(4) Calmly need others

What I understand is the ability to need others. When we express our needs, it does not mean that I am lower than you, nor does it mean that I have lost myself or no dignity. I just admit that I am really incompetent in some ways and need you. It’s like I go to a restaurant to order a dish. At this moment, I don’t have the ability and conditions to cook. I need the restaurant to give me a dish. At the same time, I don’t think I am lower than you because of this, because I firmly believe that I have the same other contributions to you and make you very satisfied, and we are equal. When I express my need, I don’t force you to satisfy me. You can say sorry that this restaurant does not have this dish today. Then I will change the dish or another restaurant instead of yelling at why you don’t have this dish! Don’t you usually have them?!

A seemingly powerful person can cook at home by himself, and he has enough ability not to rely on the restaurant. But I still feel that the need to go to the restaurant from time to time will make life more comfortable and free.

I need you because I love you: Needing others is different from relying on.

Dependence is not believing and exercising one’s abilities at all and handing over to the other party for satisfaction. The dependence will be compulsive. If you don’t satisfy me, I will be very hurt and easily despair. Need is my expression, this is my business. Whether you are satisfied or not is your business. But I will not stop expressing my needs because I am not sure whether you can meet them, nor will I conclude that you cannot satisfy me just because I have a lot of unsatisfied experience. The “All I need is u” mentality is a typical dependence.

Dependence is that I can’t do it, you come for me. I need you because I love you-The need for health is: I work hard, and you stay with me.

In fact, many contradictions, especially those in intimacy, come from our inability to directly express our own needs, or even to be aware of our own needs. We are too used to not expressing our needs, because expressing our needs means being hurt, rejected, dissatisfied, and losing face.

The real strength is that I express my needs, but I am not hurt. Where there is the expression, there is a probability of not being satisfied, and the expression itself is a gamble. Get well, and you don’t need to be injured if you fail.

People have many needs for psychological nutrition, and it is easier to get satisfaction from others than to create them yourself. I need air. I have three ways to deal with it: opening windows is dangerous and will bring in smog, particles, and noise. Turn on the air conditioner or purifier and make your air, so tired and heartbroken. Tell yourself that you can live without air, and then practice the powerful inner breath-holding method.

I will feel that the real power is that I open the window to allow air and damage to come in at the same time. But my room and body are strong enough to resist particles and noise. This also comes from my belief: I don’t need to magnify the damage caused by the smog and noise outside to fatal damage.

When we can express frankly: At this moment, I need you. If it is convenient for you, please satisfy me. If it is inconvenient, we will meet again next time. I need rather than rely on it, and our relationship will be much more harmonious.

This is consistent communication. When I need it, I express the need. Instead of being angry, or pretending. We no longer need to hide “I need you because I love you”.

The need for no stress is to promote the relationship. If you can satisfy me, I believe you will do it. When you can’t, I no longer think you can do it every moment based on the experience you used to be able to. I believe that I am worthy of being satisfied by you. When you are not satisfied, I believe it is not that you do not want to, but that your awareness, energy, and range of consciousness are limited. Therefore, when you do, you have a sense of accomplishment and I also have a sense of satisfaction. Our relationship is promoted.

I will also stare at the parts that you have been satisfied with to strengthen myself to be worthy of being satisfied. It’s like when I go to a restaurant. I think I should have that dish. Even if it doesn’t exist today, I believe it will be there next time.

I need you because I love you
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The further harmony is: I express my sadness and share my deep loneliness, fragility, and helplessness. At this moment, I need you to satisfy me, but I don’t believe you can satisfy me. I am scared and sad. When I can peel off my feelings and express them with you consistently, the deeper the feelings I express, the deeper our connection will be.

That is:

I leave the sadness to you, let you understand me. There will be no more anger.

At last:

Beware-turn needs into dependencies. There are self-needs and no self-needs, and the motivation is completely different. Being self means: I need you to support me, this will solve a big dilemma for me. But if you don’t support me, my system can also support independent operation. “I need you because I love you but I love you not because I need you.”


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— About The Writer —

I am Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on:

1. Relationship: dating/chatting/breaking up

2. Psychology: relationship/marriage psychology

3. Sex Science

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