How To Show Love? 5 Ways To “Say” I Love You

How to show love? Does he/she really do not love you, or do not know how to show love? 5 ways to express love, how many have you done? 

Let’s talk today about why you care about your partner but don’t know “How to show love”. “You never know I love you how much.” In the new era, this sentence can no longer fully express your love. How to show someone you love them?

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How To Show Love? 5 Ways To “Say” I LOVE YOU

How to show love? Does he/she really do not love you, or do not know how to show love? 5 ways to express love, how many have you done?

We received a message a few days ago. The commenter said: “My girlfriend often complains that I don’t love her enough, but I actually feel very wronged. I care about her very much in my heart, and will silently consider some details for her. But I may be a more introverted person. In my family environment, my parents are also implicit people. I don’t understand romance and find it difficult to say something about my love for her. Can you give me some suggestions? “

Let’s talk today about why you care about your partner but don’t know “How to show love”. “You never know I love you how much.” In the new era, this sentence can no longer fully express your love. How to show someone you love them?

How to show love?
1. Why can’t I say that I love him/her very much?

(Degges-White, 2016; Kirshenbaum, 2012)

In fact, the inability to express love stems from distrust of oneself and others.

How to show love?
(1) Distrust of others

Sometimes people don’t believe that the people they care about also love themselves. They are afraid that they will not be rewarded for their efforts, such as being rejected by the other party after expressing their love. Some people don’t believe that the love of each other will last. They believe that the person they care about will leave one day. In their view, expressing love is meaningless, and may only increase the pain of separation.

People also worry that the people who care will not treat them kindly. They are afraid that once they let the other side know their love, they will be hurt by the other side. It’s like exposing one’s weakness to the other person. At the same time, some people care about their dominance in the relationship and enjoy their sense of superiority in the relationship. They think that once they express their love, they will be constrained by the other side. In their view, “expressing love” is equivalent to revealing dependence on the other party, and the other party can threaten to end the relationship. This possibility of being controlled by the other party makes them feel weak and dangerous.

How to show love?
(2) Distrust of oneself

In some cases, people do not doubt the love and kindness of others but think that there is a problem in themselves. For example, people may not believe that their true self is good enough. They think that the other person likes a false person, and they believe that their true self is not good enough for the other person. They are afraid that once they express their love and establish a deeper bond with each other, the people they care about will discover the bad truth and leave. In order to avoid the risk of being “exposed”, they dare not show their love.

How to show love?
2. 4 situations where I dare not say “love”

In many cases, it is these situations that make it difficult for us to express love:

How to show love?
(1) Personality traits affect the expression of love:

The expression of love by introverts is even less direct

Introverts like deep communication. Rather than simply and directly saying “I love you”, they prefer to use in-depth chat to show you that they care. For example, talk to you about topics that they don’t usually talk to others, talk about their views on the world from the bottom of their hearts, and so on. (Helgoe, 2013)

How to show love?
(2) Personal emotional experience affects the expression of love:

Negative emotional experiences make it difficult to trust yourself and others

If people have experienced negative events in their relationship, such as rejection and betrayal, it will be more difficult for them to express love. Not only negative experiences in love relationships can damage people’s trust, but also injuries in family relationships and partnerships can also affect a person’s expression of love. For example, if a person tries to get the care of his/her parents when he is a child, he/she is always ridiculed. Over time, he/she firmly believes that “the expression of love will not get a response”; even if the person grows up, his/her belief remains unchanged. Believe that “if you express your love, you will get a response from your friends and partners.”

How to show love?
(3) Relationship status affects the expression of love:

After entering marriage, people express their love less

The state of a relationship will also affect people’s expression of love. Studies have found that when people are in a state of frequent dating, people will actively express their love for their partners. However, after entering marriage, the frequency of expression of love gradually decreases. This may be because the partners in the dating state are in a period of rising trust. The two parties use the expression of love to further release the signal of “close”. After marriage, people worry that self-exposure will bring more problems and affect the marriage. The stability.

How to show love?
(4) The social environment affects the expression of love:

The living environment lacking “expression of love” makes it difficult for people to express love

If a person has lived in an environment of “lack of expression of love” since childhood, he/she will express love less when he/she grows up. Because “the expression of love” needs to be learned, and growing up in that environment, people lack examples to teach them how to express love. For example, if a child witnesses a parent quarreling since he was a child, in his/her view, the only way to communicate with others is to speak badly; even if he/she wants to be gentle with the person who cares, he/she does not know what to say What, what to do.

How to show love?
3. Why should we express our love?

Expressing love can bring many benefits to our relationship. (Miller, 2014; Naylor, 2010)

How to show love?
(1) If you don’t express love, how does the other party know that you love him/her?

Every time you express love, it is a reassuring to the person you care about, which can enhance the other person’s sense of security. The confirmation of love confirms the relationship between you and makes the other person understand that you care about him/her at the moment and that you are willing to continue the relationship. When the other person feels safe, he/she will also be more willing to continue to invest and maintain the relationship. If you do not express your love, how does the other person know that you love him/her? Maybe he/she will think that he/she will not be rewarded for his efforts, and will eventually become discouraged in the relationship.

How to show love?
(2) Expressing love can create the positive experience needed for the relationship

Many people think that to maintain a good relationship, just avoid negative events: not quarreling, not cheating, not causing trouble… However, in a good relationship, it is not only to “not make big mistakes”, but also to increase positive and positive experiences. . In the process of expressing love, both those who convey love and those who accept love can have a positive and intimate experience, and expressing love creates a positive emotional atmosphere. In relationships that lack expression of love, both parties may just feel that the two people are in a cold relationship, lacking intimacy and warmth.

How to show love?
(3) In a healthy relationship, you need to express your true self

To express your love is to give the other person a chance to understand the real you. Establishing a connection with others requires a certain degree of self-exposure. If others do not come into contact with the real you, how can they approach you, understand you, and establish a relationship with you? Moreover, by understanding your feelings, the other party has more information and can make more comprehensive choices. Someone is worried that expressing love will scare the person who cares, but even if the other person thinks they cannot give back and is alienated, it is better than he/she can’t feel your emotions and hurt you unintentionally.

How to show love?
(4) If the love is not expressed in time, it will bring pain and regret

Many times, if there is no time to express love, it will be something that we will regret and regret in the future or even many years, and we will keep thinking about “It would be fine if we said it at that time” and “If we did it again, I must express it well”, but there are many opportunities only once. Such unexpressed regrets and regrets may always surround us, making us feel painful or even depressed in the constant recall, and it will also affect us to develop new relationships.

How to show love?
4. There are 5 expressions of love,
How many did you do?

How to show affection? How to show love?

Psychologist Dr. Gary Chapman (1995) listed five ways to express love in his book “The Five Languages of Love“. The doctor believes that the expression of love is more than simply saying “I love you”. People can try to learn many ways to express love. He introduced the following five ways of expressing love: (1) affirmative words; (2) time invested; (3) gifts given; (4) acts of service and (5) physical contact. You can compare it to see how many ways did you and your partner have done?

How to show love?
a. Affirmative Words

“How to tell him you love him?”

Use positive language to encourage and affirm each other. Language expression is the most direct and easiest signal to be received by the other party. If you are not used to saying “love” directly at the beginning, you can turn “I love you” into a description, such as “I love the way you laugh”, “I love your kindness” and so on.

People like to be listened to. When others find that you are listening to them, they will feel valued by you. You can ask your family, friends, or partner about your recent thoughts and future plans, etc. from time to time, listen patiently and give encouragement. This is also an opportunity for you to better understand the people you care about.

In addition, stay aware of the communication patterns between the two parties. Evaluate: During this period of time, was your overall communication atmosphere negative or positive? Is your attitude friendly and patient, or vice versa? When the other person talks to you about something, do you encourage him/her or do you sneer? Are you more encouragement and advice, or command and control? Sometimes we are too familiar with each other, we will unconsciously say some excessive words, and the goodwill may be slowly worn away without paying attention.

How to show love?
b. Quality Time

“How to tell someone you like them without saying it?”

Many times people pay more attention to the length of time spent together, such as how much time they spend together a week. But the quality of time is also important. Compared to staying together for two hours without communicating, spending half an hour together in an activity that both parties love may make people feel better. You can write down what the other person likes to do, such as going to a museum, going to a concert or going for a walk in the park, and plan and accompany the other person to do these things. You can also plan together. Be careful to show commitment when you accompany the other person. If you just keep swiping your phone, it will only make people who care about it feel perfunctory.

How to show love?
c. Receiving Gifts

How to show someone you love them?

Gifts are a visual symbol of love. If the person you care about likes to receive gifts, then you need to plan well and become a gift-giver. You can observe more what items the person who cares about is usually concerned about, and he/she has been excited about what gifts he/she received, and list them. If you really don’t know what gift you want to give, you can also consider asking the friends of the people you care about. They may know more about what they want. Some people don’t like to spend money. They have difficulty spending money for themselves, and the thought of spending money for others is even more uncomfortable. But in fact, spending money to give gifts is not only for the other party but also for ourselves: it brings us a sense of security in the relationship.

How to show love?
d. Acts of Service

How to show love?

The act of service refers to doing what the other party wants you to do and expressing your love through action. Some actions may not require a lot of effort. For example, in the eyes of your parents, it is possible to serve them by eating their cooking. The key is to understand what the people you care about want you to do for them. You can try to write down a few things you want each other to do in exchange. Perhaps you will find a lot of other needs that you haven’t noticed.

How to show love?
e. Physical Touch

How to show love?

Dr. Chapman pointed out that some people value physical contact. In their view, to alienate their bodies is to alienate themselves. Not only do partners need physical contact, but also friends and family, especially when people are experiencing pain and crisis, hugging can relieve emotions. If you feel that the body hug is too awkward, you can turn into a shoulder hug, or pat your arms or the back of your hands.

The physical contact between partners will be more intimate. Try to sit next to your knees while eating, or offer to massage the other person (to relax and understand the reaction of the other person). You may feel ashamed to talk about intimacy, but a person’s desire for touch is as natural as his/her desire for a gift.

How to show love?
5. Know the way you express love with your lover

Dr. Gary Chapman (1995) pointed out that it is important to understand and communicate with each other’s expressions of love. Different people will prefer different ways of expressing love, and people in similar regions will use different languages. We all have the first way of expressing the love that we have learned. Just like our mother tongue, it is the way we use it most often, and it is also the way we are most accustomed to using it. People’s native language of love may be different. For example, one person likes to express love in the “time together” and hopes to be by his side at all times, while another person prefers the words of love and feels that even if he is not around It’s enough to express love to each other in text messages.

However, the two parties have different love expression preferences, which will make one party feel that he has worked hard to express his love, while the other party always feels that it is not enough, resulting in resentment and conflict. Like two people who are not able to communicate with each other, the relationship is broken when the communication is not smooth. 

So, many times it’s not because you didn’t express enough or did not do well, but because you didn’t understand and learn from others’ way of expressing love and you two do not make effective love communication.

Dr. Chapman believes that to improve this, the key is that we have to stand on the other side’s point of view and understand what the other person likes, not just stick to our preferred expression of love. Maybe the care the other person gives you is not your favorite, but it is the most beautiful thing in his/her mind. People need to communicate and communicate on this point to ensure that both parties do not misunderstand each other’s efforts; and adjust the expression of love according to the preferences of both parties.

How to show love?

In addition to learning to express love, we also need to learn to recognize each other’s expressions. Everyone’s preferred expression is different. Rather than forcing the other person to express according to their preferences, it is better to accept and enjoy the other person’s way of expression. Of course, you can also put forward your expectations. If the other party loves you, they will also be willing to make some adjustments, but you must make a certain degree of compromise together, not one party endlessly demanding the other party with high standards.

How to show love?
6. Turn the expression of love into a daily habit

How to show love?
(1) Don’t express love deliberately

“How to show someone you love them?”

Research has found that when a person deliberately acts to maintain a relationship with another person, the other person can detect this deliberateness. And once people think that a certain behavior has a purpose, they will maintain vigilance and distance. Try to turn expressing love into a daily habit, and the person who accepts love will respond more easily. (Dainton & Aylor, 2002)

How to show love?
(2) The expression of love requires constant practice

“How to tell him you love him?”

The more you express, the more you will express. If you don’t start trying to show love, people will always feel strange and anxious about the expression of love. Just like when you say “I love you” for the first time, you may feel awkward, but the hundredth time you say “I love you”, it will be more natural. Let’s start today and try to show love to the people you care about.

“How to show love?” References:

Chapman, G. (1995). The five languages of love. Chicago: Northfield.

Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Routine and strategic maintenance efforts: Behavioral patterns, variations associated with relational length, and the prediction of relational characteristics. Communication Monographs, 69(1), 52-66.

Degges-White, S. (2016). Are You Afraid to Say “I Love You”? Psychology Today.

Helgoe, L. A. (2013). Introvert Power: Why your inner life is your hidden strength. Sourcebooks, Inc.

Kirshenbaum, M. (2012). I Love You But I Don’t Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship. Penguin.

Miller, R. (2014). Intimate relationships.McGraw-Hill Higher Education.

Naylor, A. (2010). The Power of Expressing Your Love. HuffingtonPost.

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— About The Writer —

I am Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on:

1. Relationship: dating/chatting/breaking up

2. Psychology: relationship/marriage psychology

3. Sex Science

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