TOPIC OF THIS ARTICLE: How to get a guy to commit
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How to get him to commit? Psychologist Robert J. Sternberg believes that a happy long-term relationship needs to contain three factors at the same time: intimacy, passion and commitment. What we are going to talk about today is the “sense of commitment” part of the three elements. Research shows that:
The level of commitment in a relationship will affect whether people maintain a relationship.
How to make him miss you and commit? In addition, if the two parties in the relationship have a stronger sense of commitment, their relationship quality will be higher, they can better adapt to the changes in the relationship, and they are more inclined to choose not to break up when they encounter difficulties.
Even the level of commitment in a relationship can predict the stability of the partnership after 5 years, 7 years or 15 years (Weigel & Ballard Reisch, 2014).
Today, let’s talk about how to identify whether there is a “commitment” part in your current relationship? What factors will affect the level of commitment in the relationship, and how to enhance the commitment of you and your partner to the relationship.
How to make him commit without pressure: Who is less likely to commit?
How to get a guy to commit? 1. Avoidant attachment is less likely to give commitment
In attachment type, people who avoid intimacy (including alienation type and fear type) are more likely to make no commitment in the relationship. Among them, alienated attachment resists commitment because they are afraid of the interdependence and intimacy brought by commitment; The state of the fear type attachment is “eager but not daring”, but they will worry that their partner will suddenly change their mind and can’t keep commitment all the time, so they can avoid being hurt one day by not making commitment (Weigel & Ballard Reisch, 2014).
How to get a guy to commit? 2. People who grow up in the conflict between their parents are not easy to give commitment
David Allen (2012), a professor of psychiatry, pointed out that if parents always let their children solve their conflicts, then their children will also tend to avoid commitment when they grow up. These children have been caught in the conflict between their parents since childhood, trying to stabilize their parents’ anger and maintain family peace.
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Over time, children will feel that it is their responsibility to deal with the conflict between their parents. When they grow up, they worry that once they enter into a committed relationship with others, they will abandon their responsibilities in the close relationship between their parents. They often don’t realize that they don’t get a long-term and stable close love with a sense of commitment because they are still trapped in the relationship between their parents to a certain extent.
How to get a guy to commit? 3. Narcissistic personality is not easy to give commitment
The purpose of narcissists entering a relationship is to meet the needs of self enhancement, and their partner is a tool to enhance their sense of self-worth, just like an ornament. Therefore, narcissists will always look for better alternatives, and they are not willing to give a commitment because they do not want to fall into a long-term relationship and miss a possible partner (Campbell & foster, 2002).
How to make him commit to you: Who is more likely to make a commitment?
How to get a guy to commit? 1. People with a strong sense of trust are easy to make commitments
People with a strong sense of trust will think that their partner is predictable. They believe that their partner will not leave the relationship for no reason after giving a commitment. At the same time, people with a strong sense of trust also think that their partner is trustworthy. They think that when they encounter problems, they can always get care from their partner and will not suddenly lose their partner’s support. Therefore, people with a strong sense of trust will be willing to make a commitment and continue to share and obtain the love of their partner from a long-term relationship (rusult et al., 1998).
How to get a guy to commit? 2. The higher the moral sense is, the more likely it is to keep commitment
A sense of moral responsibility for intimacy also motivates people to maintain commitment. The study found that, compared with the satisfaction of the relationship, the sense of moral responsibility can predict whether the partners can get through the difficult period together. That is to say, a person’s moral sense is stronger than a person’s satisfaction with the existing relationship. Compared with the two, a person’s own moral sense has a greater impact on “whether he will abandon his partner when he is in trouble” (Johnson et al., 1973; Millder &Perlman, 2010)。
How to get a guy to commit? 3. People with relationship goals are more likely to commit
If a person has a clear relationship goal (such as the desire to raise children with a partner), then the person is more likely to make a commitment. Commitment will help to turn yourself and your partner into a community of interests and get support from your partner, and a stable relationship will help you to better achieve your relationship goals (coy & Miller, 2014).
Factors in the relationship also affect commitment
Sociologist Michael Johnson (1973) believes that there are two main factors that affect people’s commitment and staying in the relationship: A. personal satisfaction with the relationship and B. dependence on the relationship.
How to get a guy to commit? 1. The higher the level of satisfaction with the relationship, the more likely to maintain commitment
The more satisfied people are with a relationship, the more they want to stay in it and continue to get happiness from their partner (millder & Perlman, 2010).
People’s expectations of the relationship will affect the relationship satisfaction. Unrealistic expectations can make people feel dissatisfied even though they are in a good relationship.
Whether you can get reward in the relationship is also a factor influencing the satisfaction of the relationship. If people want to get a satisfactory intimate relationship, the reward they feel in the relationship is higher than the price they feel they pay for the relationship. People often get rewards from their partners’ positive communication (such as expressing love, cooperation and respect) and their contributions to themselves（ Millder & Perlman, 2010）。
How to get a guy to commit? 2. The more dependent the relationship is, the more likely it is to maintain commitment
The more dependent people are on a relationship, the more likely they are to get the resources and support they need from the relationship, and the more difficult it is to leave the relationship. Even if a person’s relationship satisfaction is not high, he may have to stay in the relationship because of high dependence. A negative example is the abusive relationship, in which the abuser forces the victim to stay in the relationship by limiting the victim’s economic / emotional expression / social interaction (Bradbury & karney, 2013; Millder & Perlman, 2010）。
There are many factors that affect relationship dependence, such as the quality of alternatives. If a person can satisfy his needs outside of his existing relationship, then the person or relationship that provides the satisfaction outside the relationship is called alternative choice. The object of alternative choice can be a lover outside the relationship, or a friend or family member. The better the quality of alternative choice is, the more likely people are to leave their partner and meet their needs through alternative choice.
The degree of involvement in relationships also affects people’s relationship dependence. The more a person invests in a relationship, the more likely he or she is to remain committed. Because once you leave, it means that you have wasted a lot of your previous efforts. The involvement in the relationship may be related to one’s own internal factors, such as self exposure to one’s partner, emotional involvement, etc; It can also be externally related, such as having a common friend with a partner, or giving property.
Another factor is survival. The more dependent a person is on the resources and support to make a living through his intimate relationship, the harder it is to leave. The need for survival forces him to stay in this relationship and dare not break his promise easily.
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