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How To Get An Avoidant To Chase You? Sweet Relationship With Avoidant

How to get an avoidant to chase you? How to have a sweet relationship with anxious avoidant attachment? How to keep a long term anxious avoidant relationship?

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How To Get An Avoidant To Chase You? Sweet Relationship With Avoidant 

How to get an avoidant to chase you? How to have a sweet relationship with anxious avoidant attachment?

How to get an avoidant to chase you?

The term avoidant attachment needs to be interpreted separately from the psychological and behavioral levels. It is psychologically attached, but it is avoidant in behavior.

For most people: like = close.

This kind of thinking logic also makes people form another interpretation: not close = dislike.

After all, mere mortals do not have “mind-reading skills”. We use a person’s “behavior” to interpret his/her inner thoughts.

“A person deliberately avoids me and refuses to reply to my message.” – The common understanding is “this person must not like me”.

But obviously, it is wrong to use this method to interpret the minds of avoidant attachments. Because avoidant attachments choose the avoidance method when facing the person they like, that is, refuse to be close.

Therefore, to fall in love with an avoidant attachment person requires you to endure his/her “avoidance behavior” again and again for a long period of time (several years). In the meantime, you have to persuade yourself to believe that it is not that he/she does not love you, but that the way of expression is different from that of a safe person.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
1. What are the difficulties with avoidant attachments?

A person enters a solid intimacy in order to obtain a fixed “Sense of Being”.

The sense of existence means that we are strongly needed by a certain party, and we are valuable. This “sense of value” is the source of a person’s “sense of meaning”. However, when you fall in love with an avoidant person, the biggest pain is that your presence in the relationship is very low.

All his/her actions seem to imply one thing, he/she does not need you so much, you are not important in this intimate relationship, and your contribution to your existence is meaningless. However, this is the most real feeling when you are in a relationship with an avoidant attachment. Accepting this feeling is a necessary condition for you to be able to continue this relationship.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?

If you are aware of such feelings and still want to challenge him/her to get along, I can tell you two useful experimental results:

(1) Attachment type is not a person’s low-level personality traits (similar to the Big Five personality is the bottom-level personality), and change is not impossible. Sometimes, a high-quality relationship can change a person’s attachment type;

(2) According to a 2004 psychological report, within two years, about one-third of attachment types can undergo substantial changes.

Of course, there are some simple suggestions. Learning deep empathy and acting as a facilitator can help you to walk (relatively) easier on this road.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
2. The root cause of avoidant attachment

To build a long-term close relationship with an avoidant attachment person, you need to be fully empathetic. Only with empathy can you believe that their “avoidance behavior” is just for self-protection, not for hurting you. The premise of empathy is that you can understand the reasons why avoidant attachments choose the “avoidance” mode when they face “intimacy”.

A bad relationship (meeting a love player who plays with people’s hearts) can sometimes change a person from a safe type to an avoiding type. However, this type of avoidance is relatively easy to heal itself, because this is the experience of adulthood. The avoidance type that is difficult to heal by itself or difficult to be cured is mostly due to genetically determined personality and negative experiences in childhood or adolescence.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(1) Fosters with fluctuating emotions

Some parents are very easy to lose control of their emotions. When they are in a good mood, they treat their children normally, but when they are in a bad mood, they will abuse them out of control, treat their children as their emotional trash can, and even beat them. In this type of family, one of the parents is mostly the father and will be accompanied by domestic violence.

When children grow up in such a family atmosphere, they often love and fear their parents. They want to be close to their parents, but they are afraid that their parents’ anger will hurt them, so they will hide as much as possible to avoid injury.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(2) Strict family atmosphere

Many families pay great attention to rules, and even like military management, they set strict rules at home and do not allow children to have any differences. This type of parent has a strong tendency to perfectionism. They will constantly provoke and spur their children, and even directly say, “If you can’t do this, you don’t deserve to be my son/daughter!”

When children face such accusations, they are completely incapable of resistance. They can only be forced to instill some concepts: I am bad and I am bad. If I do not do well, my parents will not want me.

Some people who come to me for consultation will be very curious. He/she was born in a very happy family. Mom and Dad also love him/her, but why do they become avoidant people?

In fact, looking back on the reason, it is very likely that these parents spent a lot of time and energy on one aspect of the child when raising their children, while ignoring other aspects of the child’s needs, especially the spiritual aspect.

An extreme and common situation: Parents think that as long as their children have good grades, everything else is indifferent, and they do not need the ability to take care of themselves and the ability to communicate with others.

The needs of human growth are diverse rather than single. Under this kind of parenting, children who lack a complete self-evaluation system are often prone to fall into a state of self-denial and self-doubt, and then indent their true self into their independence.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(3) Neglect to accompany

As children grow up, they will have many normal needs, material needs, and spiritual needs. But some families, such as left-behind children, single parents, remarried, or one of the parents can not be at home for a long time for some reason, it is easy to overlook the companionship needs of the children’s psychological development.

Children are sensitive and sensible. After trying to communicate with their parents to no avail, they will suppress their communication needs and digest their inner emotions.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(4) Campus bullying

Many people have experienced campus bullying, but will this have a negative impact on a person’s life? It depends on how he/she feels about bullying.

After a child is harmed, they usually seek help from a parent or teacher. If the person who sought help at this stage can pay attention to this matter and realize the child’s call for help, it will not be easy to leave a psychological shadow on the child; but if the person seeking help chooses to ignore the child’s call for help, the child can only save himself and save himself The process may give him a strong psychological state of “No one cares about me, I can only rely on myself”.

Adults will also have moments of helplessness in their work, studies, and life experience, but the helplessness of an adult is completely different from the helplessness of a child. The former is only limited in choice, the latter is the whole destiny and even life, in a position to be dominated.

Once this kind of helplessness is imprinted on a person’s growth trajectory, it is often difficult for him/her to trust other people to be kind to him, and it is also difficult to believe that an intimate relationship can be maintained for a long time.

They used to rely on themselves. Over time, avoidance behavior is formed.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?

When dealing with avoidant lovers, many people will deliberately avoid all contradictions in life because of their love of avoiding contradictions, so that avoidant lover can feel more comfortable in this relationship. The most typical is that they will completely allow avoiders to have their own independent space, but this approach is wrong.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?

Any solid and healthy intimacy has one thing in common, which is “break and rebuild.”

It is never possible to establish deep intimacy without breaking through the psychological defenses of each other.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
3. How to get along with avoidant lovers?

People with avoidant attachment do not lack the feeling of love, what they lack is the ability to love correctly.

When you fall in love with them, you must be a teacher in your close relationship. You have to guide him/her to trust you, let them learn what is the right ability to love, and then gradually give love and enjoy intimacy.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(1) Planning for the future

It is very important to start planning for the future of this relationship at the right time. After planning, try to achieve it as step by step as possible.

The process of “planning → landing” can make avoidant people more confident in the relationship.

Accepting change itself is part of an intimate relationship. You must have a common goal, and then accept the change while moving toward a common future.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(2) Give recognition

The core of avoidant attachment is low self-esteem, so it is very important to give sincere recognition. There are two important points here: sincerity and recognition.

Losing objective sincerity does not have much positive meaning. Recognition is the praise for the advantages of avoidant attachment. When they perform well, don’t be stingy with your praise as lovers.

There is also a passive form of recognition-listening. That is, when I listen to you, I see you and acknowledge your existence.

Avoidant attachments have the desire to talk in very few cases. Therefore, when they need to talk, all you need to do is “not interrupt, deny, evaluate, or educate” and listen quietly.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(3) Don’t apply extra pressure

When the intimacy is in a problem, or the avoidant attachment is in a low ebb period, don’t force him or them to come out to solve the problem immediately.

Avoidance is the preferred way to deal with problems with avoidance. Don’t blame or correct them at this time, but accept, understand and respect them and allow them to hide. Know that choosing to “hide” is what they are. Loving them also includes loving them and avoiding them. Only in this way can they return to a steady-state faster and take the initiative to communicate with you faster.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(4) Give independent space

Avoidant attachment requires more independent space than ordinary people. This mode of getting along with loneliness is the safest mode of getting along with them subconsciously.

Use the simplest life scene to describe. For ordinary lovers, resting often means leaning close to each other. But for avoidant people, rest means pure solitude.

Therefore, to get along with avoidant attachments, you need to give them plenty of space to be alone.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?
(5) Allow “divergence”

Avoidant attachment avoids the “disagreement” in the intimate relationship. After all, they have survived in an environment where their self-consciousness has been neglected and suppressed since childhood.

It is difficult for a person to convince another person to believe what he/she has not experienced, and it is difficult for avoidant attachment to believe from the heart that healthy intimacy is about seeking common ground while reserving differences. You can only use your own behavior to prove: healthy intimacy allows for differences, and can accommodate you and me who are not perfect.

When an avoidant person experiences such a relationship personally, he/she will realize, “It turns out that I can show my true self to another person, and the other person will still love me and hug me.” Then, he/she will Imitation, will deliberately test. When the temptation gets positive feedback, he/she will slowly let go of his guard and accept the relationship a little bit.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?

Allowing disagreements does NOT mean condoning all their behavior.

You must express the harm they have done to you at the first time; what you want him/her to do for you must also be expressed at the first time; you need to clear the bottom line to him/her, and at the same time not allow them to trample.

When conflicts first arise, you may be treated coldly by avoidant attachment. But in the face of this kind of cold treatment, you can’t choose to compromise because it’s hard to resist your inner fear. This uncompromising ability requires you to have a strong self-frame.

How to get an avoidant to chase you?

The source of the self-frame is the diversity of life.

In addition to love, you also have a rich personal life. You have a job to get a sense of accomplishment, a hobby to kill time and a circle of close friends. You need other high-value things to fill your living space and time to resist the feeling of being neglected.

When you love avoidant, how to get an avoidant to chase you?

It is not an easy task to enter into an intimate relationship with a person who is avoidant attachment, but not easy does not mean that it is worthless and should not be done.

Evaluating the price you can pay, examining your bottom line, and firming up your choices are the best gestures for an adult.


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— About The Writer —

I am Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on:

1. Relationship: dating/chatting/breaking up

2. Psychology: relationship/marriage psychology

3. Sex Science

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