How to become emotionally available? A typical example of “emotional incompetence” is “love incompetence”, which means that you are not interested in, or do not feel comfortable with, deep love, or other deep feelings that need to be communicated.
Perhaps you have doubted that you have lost the ability to love others; perhaps you are afraid that such emotions will block your path to happiness.
Then take a look at the following tests, which may help you determine whether you are really “love incapable”:
1. Are you afraid to make a commitment to enter the next phase of intimacy, such as engagement, meeting parents, etc.?
Do you resist intimacy, fearing that someone will break your space and lose your independence, autonomy and freedom?
3. Are you secretive about your traumatic past and afraid of being hurt again?
4. Are you afraid to take the initiative to express your heart and pursue others?
5. When you are in love, do you not like to show love on social networks, always feel that “the best they have not yet come”?
6. Are you more likely to enter into the fantasy of a perfect relationship than to actually have an intimate relationship?
Do you feel relieved when you are “too busy” to make relationship-related commitments (such as meeting and dating)?
How to become more emotionally available? If you find yourself answering “yes” to more than 4 of these questions, then you may be an “emotional incompetent”.
To know the source of love incompetence, listen to your past
How to become emotionally available? You may wonder why you can’t have a normal love trajectory like others around you and enjoy the passion and happiness of falling in love?
If you are feeling your interest in love diminishing at a time when you are busy at work and in a critical period of promotion, How to become emotionally available? then this is actually a downward shift in the priority of your relationship and your attention is being focused on more important matters. This manifestation is temporary and you need not worry too much.
But if you have become fearful of relationships after a traumatic event and have become “love-impotent”, then you may need to go back in time and find the unfulfilled “wish” and the “source” of your fear. source” of your fear.
How to become more emotionally available? Psychologist Judith Herman argues that people who have suffered childhood trauma may use dissociative defense mechanisms to avoid pain by stripping themselves of reality.
However, this can lead to the perpetuation of the effects of the traumatic event, with people either never having had a loving experience, How to become emotionally available? becoming increasingly closed off and depressed, or spending their lives experiencing failed relationships and marriages, thus falling into a retraumatization-reclosure cycle.
In addition to childhood trauma, past emotional traumas such as divorce and loss of love can also cause people’s view of love to collapse and they lose confidence in building loving connections.
Read more: Will You Choose Under Tail Love Or Be Loved?
How to become emotionally available? Love impotence” caused by emotional frustration is a negative reflection of people’s feelings over a certain period of time.
In a study of 221 college students with different relationship experiences, it was found that college students who fell out of love had a higher percentage of hostility toward intimate relationships. The college students who fell in love again after the breakup were relieved in their hostile tendencies, but fell into the fear of being hurt again.
How to become emotionally available? For all these reasons, many people who are incompetent in love are labeled as “bad guys” and “bad girls” because they cannot give adequate feedback on love in time, and they want to make efforts to break through, but once they enter the deep emotional level, the external valve in their hearts is closed. The other side is to blame for this, but also into self-loathing.
Don’t worry, love incompetence is not a poison
If you are also “love impotent”, do not produce despair and self-loathing.
How to become emotionally available? Even though this wall in your heart has caused you a lot of trouble, it is the reason you have been able to survive the harsh circumstances of your early childhood and recover from the devastating blow of a failed relationship or marriage.
You are not a bad person, but you are exhausted due to past experiences and are not ready to fully commit.
But we also need to understand that human emotions cannot be selectively shielded. How to become emotionally available? When we repress those bad emotions, we also repress joy, touch, happiness and other positive emotions. How to become emotionally available? We also risk hurting a loved one who really wants to come inside us and help us untie our hearts.
Hopefully, the following are a few tips to help you.
1. Acknowledge your fears.
How to become emotionally available? When you feel insecure, out of space, and struggling to move forward in your relationship, be honest and tell your partner. Admitting it may be difficult because it marks a time when you will be opening up a part of your firmly defended self, but how will you know if they are the one who will heal you unless you try?
2. Distract yourself.
Perhaps you tend to be on guard with your partner and want to escape once you focus on their negative behavior. How to become more emotionally available? In fact, you can try to shift your attention to the activities you do with them, enjoy being with them, and feel and be close to love with your heart.
3. Recognize the root of your emotions and learn to reconcile with yourself.
How to become emotionally available? Intimacy will not be a replica of the parental model, nor will it be the simple happiness of a fairy tale where the prince and princess are together forever. How to become emotionally available? Be brave enough to experience and feel your own intimacy, and tell that wall of the heart: “I can protect myself, let me out.”
As Rilke said, “Love, it’s good; because love is hard. We need to learn to love with our whole being, with all our strength, gathering loneliness, pain and upward excitement.”
I’m Jocelyn, and I hope you will all meet someone who loves you. If you have emotional problems, you can ask me for advice. If you are single, maybe you can meet him/her on Bothlive.