This article is about 3 Signs Consummate Love in the eyes of psychologists.
Love is not only an eternal topic but also a research topic of psychologists. (YES, psychologists are human beings, and they are also trapped in consummate love.)
Today, let’s talk about the three signals of “long-term and stable love”: if you can achieve these three points, I believe you will be able to manage a warm and intelligent intimate relationship – remember, it’s a matter for two people. No one is right or wrong, only right or wrong.
Therefore, these three signals must be achieved through the joint efforts of both of you. This paper will give a detailed description and the method of testing each signal.
PART 1. Consummate Love and True Trust
“If you haven’t done anything bad, show me your cell phone.”
What kind of trust is pure?
Will you allow your partner to view your phone?
In real life, many people feel that “I have the right to check my partner’s mobile phone”.
What are you looking for? ——“social APP chat records, call records”, is that all?
Why? ——“If he didn’t do anything bad, he wouldn’t be afraid that I would look at his cell phone. How can we know his little secret when we are so close? It can also enhance mutual understanding. I’ll check his mobile phone. If he didn’t cheat me, I’ll be relieved. If he cheated me, I can leave this scum as soon as possible! “
In my opinion, this is sophistry. Your willingness to spy on his mobile phone is enough to show that there is something wrong with your trust. This not Consummate Love.
What is true trust? It’s not “we trust each other to give each other our mobile phone passwords” or “we all know each other’s bank card passwords”. These are superficial things. If you no longer trust, even if you have a mobile phone password, you will doubt that the other party has another mobile phone; even if you have a bank card password, you will doubt whether the other party has transferred part of the money to another bank card.
True trust is to trust the other party’s decision-making style, the yardstick to judge right and wrong, and the principle to measure good or bad.
“If he tells me a lie or conceals something, there must be his reason. If I know, as long as he makes it clear, we will be able to reach an understanding. “
——This is real trust: mutual understanding, tacit understanding, and respect for personal space.
Without true trust, we never have Consummate Love.
You can ask yourself the following four questions: is there such pure trust in your relationship with him.
1) After he left my sight for some time, would I be worried about what he might do to hurt me and deceive me?
2) Do I have the impulse to control the whereabouts and other private information?
3) To find out some so-called “truth”, have I used or intend to use some immoral or even illegal means?
After using these means, I have something to hide from him. No matter what the truth is, I can’t tell you. How can I face him sincerely?
If your answer to the first three questions above is NO, and you can give a confident YES to each other’s trust, congratulations – this person is worthy of a long-term association. Even if one day love will fade, it is absolutely easy to get together and break up, and you can be friends again. To be honest, this kind of person is rare. But the people who want to accompany you for a long time, whether they are lovers or confidants, should be one in a million, right?
PART 2. Consummate Love and Shared Reality
If you were originally from a different world
Now you two worlds overlap?
There is a very important concept in relational psychology: “shared reality“.
Each of us has our unique understanding of the world, which is the best evidence of our existence as a special person. This uniqueness of course also includes our three outlooks: outlook on life, outlook on money, and outlook on love. These ideas have been gradually formed in our original family, later in school and society. They guide our words and deeds, influence our interpretation of the consequences of our own words and deeds, and influence our understanding of others’ words and deeds.
People are subjective creatures. That’s what we’re talking about. The reality in our eyes is constructed according to our ideas, rather than an objective and universal reality for all.
Now suppose: if we meet a person who matches our subjective reality, is life perfect? Is that consummate love?
You know what I say: I can understand what you say, and even feel it without saying it! In addition to what you say, I can accurately interpret your actions, look, eyes, body language, and expression! What happened, we can quickly find a mutually acceptable solution! It’s easy to reach a consensus when making choices and decisions! If one day can not reach a consensus, also can understand each other’s reasons and think, and then quickly calibrate!
Such a person is a real soul mate because this kind of situation in which the subjective reality of the two people completely matches is the so-called 100% coincidence of the two people sharing the reality. In this world, there are no two people who can share reality as soon as they meet, but sharing reality can be created by the joint efforts of both sides. We have a consummate love!
When we first got to know each other, we would attach importance to the similarities and narrow the differences between each other; we would magnify our advantages and cover up our defects.
There’s nothing wrong with this, otherwise, the mutual favor will suddenly stop at the beginning. But as time goes on, we will find that we are different from each other, that it becomes more and more difficult for us to cover up our defects, and that it becomes more and more difficult for us to understand some details of our partner.
At this time, you and his two circles begin to move slowly in the opposite direction, and the overlapping part of sharing will gradually become smaller, the misunderstanding will increase, and the understanding will decrease.
How to keep company? That’s open communication! Pull the circle back!
What to communicate? Anything in life is OK. The key point is to separate the objective part of everything first, and then exchange subjective feelings and thoughts with each other.
You and he have an appointment to go to the cinema on Friday night, and everything is ready. Suddenly it’s raining cats and dogs outside, and the traffic is paralyzed, so you miss the opening of the movie. When you finally get to the cinema, it’s meaningless to enter the cinema after the movie has been on for more than half a year; you are all wet and feel uncomfortable, but he has been waiting for you alone in the cinema for a long time. He didn’t do anything wrong, but he has to accompany you to bear the consequences of incomplete movie watching.
At this time, it’s better to sit down and practice “sharing reality” instead of two people talking or arguing in the cinema. With 120 points of respect and honesty, let’s set aside who’s right and who’s wrong. Let’s find out the objective reality in this scene that is not subjective at all:
You are late
At least half of the movie was missed
You’re all wet
Well, then we need to communicate with each other: every objective reality, your subjective feelings and thinking, and then exchange opinions. Take “missing half-time movie” as an example, the subjective interpretation here can involve the following aspects (you can increase or decrease freely)
1) What does that mean?
For you, maybe missing half of the movie is equal to missing the whole scene. You don’t need to go in to watch it again. In this way, not only can you not enjoy the movie well but also other audiences will be disturbed.
2) How do you feel at this moment?
You appreciate it. You appreciate his patience. I’m sorry you made him feel bad. You are still looking forward to it, because the time you can spend with him tonight, including the communication at this moment, is meaningful.
3) Who will bear the consequences? Do you have plan B?
You say it’s your fault, the tickets are for you, and to apologize, it’s your treat to see the same movie next week. Now you two can go straight to the restaurant and have a bowl of warm soup.
4) What’s the reason for this plan B?
For you, no matter what you do, no matter what happens, as long as you have time, it’s important to be with him tonight. The movie can make up for it, and the heavy rain will not happen every week. Do you think that the next activity at this moment will live up to his waiting?
There is no right or wrong in this communication, only a mismatch; and whether the two people have the will to adjust to each other after finding the mismatch. In this process of communication, you may find that the other party and you have the same idea, happily reach a consensus, plan B implementation. You may also find that he just wants to go to the cinema. Only in this way can he be worthy of his half-time movie waiting.
In any case, this kind of communication can help both of you, in front of the established objective reality, understand and try to run in each other’s subjective feelings, and create a shared reality.
We all know that it is inevitable for two people to break out contradictions after they have been together for a period, which is also a good thing because great philosophers have taught us that contradiction is the fundamental driving force to promote the development of things, and so is love.(consummate love, you know)
Make good use of these contradictions and take every little friction as an opportunity to calibrate each other’s frequency and expand the scope of shared reality. Your efforts will not be in vain. You and your partner will have a consummate love. I promise.
On the contrary, if after many times of efforts or no effect, or even the other party is not willing to cooperate, or ignore or even completely misinterpret your efforts. Well, maybe you two are not suitable. From the beginning of blind sweet to now sober, although there will be unwillingness or pain, is also a good thing.
PART 3. Consummate Love and Psychology
“Are you good friends with each other?”
consummate love in the eyes of psychologists
Three psychological studies in the United States show that 44% of couples have been friends for at least four months before they establish a relationship; 88% of married people believe that their best friend in life is their husband and wife; married people who regard each other as their best friends have higher marriage quality. (for professional readers, please refer to document    at the end of the article.)
No wonder. If you ask a couple who have loved each other for a long time: is your relationship love or friendship?
These two people are in love, so literally, they must also be in love. But this question is really difficult to answer because they also regard each other as close friends and confidants.
The longer we get along with each other, the more deeply we participate in each other’s lives, and the more blurred the boundary between love and friendship. If we look at the people who can love each other forever after we get married and have a family, we can live together with family, friendship, and love.
Psychologists tell you that the truth behind this is: friendship is the foundation of love. (consummate love)
Why? Because making friends, from the beginning of a friendship to maintaining a friendship, is an important skill that we need to learn and practice from small to large. This skill includes the following six aspects:
Mutual acceptance, trust, respect, confidentiality, understanding, spontaneity.
These 6 abilities to make and maintaining friendship are the foundation for a long-term relationship. The reason for this is that psychologists have found that people who lack these six skills are difficult to maintain and stabilize the three elements of love (consummate love).
Here we need to mention a master of love research:
According to Steinberg, the 3 elements of consummate love are:
Passion: emotional obsession, can also be simply understood as physical sexual desire.
Intimacy: the comfort and warmth that two people bring to each other when they are close to each other in love.
Commitment: the determination to love someone (short-term commitment) and the long-term commitment to run a business forever (long-term commitment).
[WIKIPEDIA: The triangular theory of love is a theory of love developed by Robert Sternberg. In the context of interpersonal relationships, “the three components of love, according to the triangular theory, are an intimacy component, a passion component, and a decision/commitment component.”]
However, not all people who enter into love have these three elements: the three elements can be in the state of “YES” or “NO” with each other, thus seven different love patterns can be combined.
In Sternberg’s view, true love must be fully satisfied with the three elements! He called “Consummate Love” a love that is passionate, intimate, and committed to each other in the short and long term.
If you can’t have these three elements at the same time, you and your partner must and can only be one of the following six relationships (they are not consummate love):
① Liking – only intimacy
I feel very comfortable together, but I feel a lack of passion, and I don’t want to be together all my life. (This is not consummate love)
② Infatuation love: only passion
I don’t know much about each other, and I don’t think about the future. (This is not consummate love)
③ Empty love — only promise
Lack of intimacy and passion, such as pure love for marriage.(This is not consummate love)
④ Romantic love: intimacy + passion
This kind of “love” without commitment advocates the process and does not care about the result. (This is not consummate love)
⑤ Companion love: intimacy + commitment
This kind of love without passion is similar to the empty love above. It’s like a stable marriage, but it only has the rights and obligations of husband and wife, but it doesn’t feel like it. (This is not consummate love)
⑥ Fatuous love: passion + commitment
The lack of intimate passion, at most, is the physical impulse of two people, and no intimate commitment is just empty promises, extremely stupid. (This is not consummate love)
I wonder if you have noticed that some of the above six categories of love sound OK. According to Steinberg, these six relationships are just “similar to love” or “incomplete love”, they are not “consummate love”.
Might as well self-examination: you and he, regard each other as good friends? You’ve been together for some time, intimacy, passion, and commitment. How many have you achieved? If we continue for another year, will our commitment be clearer? Will intimacy and passion fade?
To say the least: if you can not pursue consummate love, can your partner and you reach a consensus? Does your love model exist in the “shared reality” mentioned above? If so, it’s not bad to get along like this, because you who have reached a consensus must have expected the consequences of doing so, right?
Finally, I sincerely wish you who opened this article and have your Consummate Love. Anyway, remember to love and be happy.
The world and I love you.
You might also be interested in: How To Make An Avoidant Miss You: Characteristics Of Avoidant
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“Consummate Love” REFERENCE:
 Martin Graff on Psychology Today. Should You Ever Check Your Partner’s Texts? (2016)
 Uysal, A., Lin, H. L., & Bush, A. L. (2012). The reciprocal cycle of self‐concealment and trust in romantic relationships. European Journal of Social Psychology, 42(7), 844-851.
 Andersen, S. M., & Przybylinski, E. (2017). Shared Reality in Interpersonal Relationships. Current opinion in psychology.
 Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. on The Conversation. Why you should date your best friend. (2012)
 Hendrick, S. S., & Hendrick, C. (1993). Lovers as friends. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(3), 459-466.
 Grote, N. K., & Frieze, I. H. (1994). The measurement of Friendship‐based Love in intimate relationships. Personal Relationships, 1(3), 275-300.
 Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships (North American Psychology Lectures, Chapter 8)
 Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119.