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Can You Love Someone But Not Like Them: Toxic Parents

Can you love someone but not like them?

“It was only discovered after 20 years that the hateful mother is just an ordinary woman”: Being hurt by parents and not forgiving is also a kind of reconciliation. Today, I want to talk to you about “separation from the original family”.

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Can You Love Someone But Not Like Them: Toxic Parents

Can you love someone but not like them?

“It was only discovered after 20 years that the hateful mother is just an ordinary woman”: Being hurt by parents and not forgiving is also a kind of reconciliation.

Can you love someone but not like them?

Today, I want to talk to you about “separation from the original family”.

Can you love someone but not like them?
“I understand you because I know how painful you are”

The source of mother-daughter sex is often a mother who always occupies the center of the stage. The daughter stood in the corner of the stage, humbly defending her territory in fear of being swallowed by her mother. On the one hand, it is because the daughter’s self is not yet mature and cannot build her stage; on the other hand, it is because the daughter does not know what the mother looks like when she is off the stage.

Can you love someone but not like them?
It’s easier to endure pain than to separate

“Can you not like someone but love them?”

There is a view in psychology: I am in pain, therefore I am. It is much simpler to bear misfortune than to enjoy happiness, because bearing misfortune only needs to live in the past, while enjoying happiness is to fight for the future. Therefore, clinging to “mother is bad” is far easier than letting go of hatred.

The feeling of being “needed” makes us feel worth living. And being needed by pain is also a kind of being needed.

Hatred is uncomfortable, and separation from pain is even more uncomfortable. Therefore, leaving a painful “curse” before happiness is temporarily left, is like leaving a seed of hope. But when it is really strong, it has the ability to listen and tolerate.

Reconciliation with your parents is not the ultimate goal, separation from your parents is.

The so-called separation refers to: I know my parents hurt me and their limitations, but this will not affect me anymore. I can live my life and strive for a happy future that belongs to me, instead of still with hatred and indulging in the trauma of the past.

Can you love someone but not like them?
Leave mother and build one’s stage

“After a meal, listen to the stories of your parents more, and you will find that you don’t know them at all.” Looking at your parents from a distance, we may only see the stubborn armed forces, not what is hidden behind the armed forces.

A reader gritted his teeth and said: I hate my mother. She left me to relatives when I was 3 years old. She has ignored me for many years, but now she wants me to take care of her.

I asked: Do you know why your mother lost you?

He said: I don’t want to know.

By chance, my mother had a quarrel with the neighborhood. He took his mother home, and as soon as he closed the door, his mother burst into tears, telling him how she wanted to disappear from this world because of the gossip. He found that his mother was completely different from what he knew. “In my impression, my mother is strong and cold, but now, my mother is as weak as a stranger.”

That night, he heard his mother tell the story about how she was devastated by fate, slandered by the people around him, and how cruelly sent him to his relatives. “The original fierce roar in my heart turned into a sigh after hearing it.”

“Can you love someone but not like them?”

He doesn’t love his mother, but he can’t ask this woman drained by fate to give himself more. The only thing he can do is to accept reality: admit that a real mother is full of problems and that he can never have a perfect mother.

In the end, he told me, “I reconciled with my mother. There are indeed reasons for her choice. And the fact that I can’t love her is also very meaningful to me.”

“Is it possible to love someone but not like them?” Reconciliation is not just about forgiving, accepting, and letting go, but growing up, leaving the mother’s stage, and setting up your stage. There is no pure love and hatred between mother and child. Which side we indulge in depends on whether we live in the past or let go of the past to welcome the future.

Can you love someone but not like them?
As children, how should we separate from our parents?

How can you love someone but not like them?

Can you love someone but not like them?
a. Stop internal friction

As long as I am injured, no matter what the real situation is, the child will think that “parents did not protect me”. This emotion is like poison, the more hate, the greater the depletion of self.

The first thing we need to do is to stop taking poison, take back the power of hatred, and transform it into the power to make ourselves live better.

To understand:

Reconciliation is not to forgive and tolerate parents blindly, but to stop resentment and internalize oneself.

You have to tell yourself: “I admit that they are not good enough parents.” Then turn around and leave and return to your life.

Can you love someone but not like them?
b. Release energy

We work hard, start a business, and study, in fact, all to separate ourselves from our parents. Reunion brings strength, and so does separation. The eagerness brought about by the separation phase makes us eager to do something different from our parents. It may be about a love that has gone through fires and waters but has no results; or it may be a trip that has been planned for a long time but has never found a chance.

As long as there is a channel that can release the inner energy, the separation will be completed naturally.

Can you love someone but not like them?
c. Please yourself

Psychologist Eric Byrne puts forward the concept of “life script”: people will unconsciously write down their life scripts and live according to them.

Parents are one of the script authors, but the real executors are ourselves. To be separated from your parents is to create your life script.

To create a script, one thing needs to be kept in mind: to please yourself is better than to please your parents.

We can write “Taking care of yourself is the number one thing” on the script. While looking for a reliable friend, accompany yourself along the way. Life is infinitely broad, and staring at one point will make it difficult to “love yourself”.

Can you love someone but not like them?
Summary

Only by separating from the past can we see our real needs clearly, and then satisfy them as we can.

This satisfaction includes allowing one to not accept, tolerate, or even love.

“Can you love someone without liking them?”

Sometimes reconciliation means forgiveness; sometimes, being able to calmly think that “the problem of your parents has nothing to do with you” is the greatest reconciliation. Separate from the past, live the present and vacate the “hate” in your heart, and you can “love” better.

If family relationships are destined to have regrets, living one’s life well is the greatest “letting off”.

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— About The Writer —

Cedric S, a psychologist, and a writer from the other side of the earth. Focus on relationship psychology.

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